Because I’m way too numb, for me to ever think that you could be the one.
But when the night is over, I still need someone
So you can fall asleep, just don’t fall in love
Anth and Conor Maynard “Numb”
Ok… here it is!! Watching Manifest on Hulu. Hehe fits, right?! My cat and I are content and I just had me a taste of Platinum Huckleberry Cookies. No mom, not actual cookies. Sorry!
Anyways, you now know what the lit part means of my blog, and we all know I’m one hot mess, but body positivity and all, thus my Beautiful Disaster part of the name. I’m very curious where this blog can take me, if it goes anywhere. If not, well I fucking tried!! Better try to publish my poems. Yes, you will read them, old and new, as part of an occasional read here on my blog.
Oh to the show… Manifest. Really good series that, well in all honesty, a one night stand (close your eyes dad and family members) that quite literally rocked my world a few times. This was after making me breakfast and getting me addicted to the show. “Nice guys do exist, Ash” Yeah and they tell me they’re falling in love with me after hanging out TWICE. Yes! FUCKING TWICE!
Anyways, back to the show…. Manifest, has some great actors. That one guy, Prince Charming, in Once Upon A Time and is about people essentially surviving a plane crash….. BUT they show up to their old lives YEARS later, unaged (stupid autocorrect doesn’t think that’s a word. Bite me autocorrect, this is MY blog) Their old families did grow older and moved on with their lives. This is basically the people in that plane trying to get their lives back to normal. Until “The Calling” and “Death Day” come along that makes these people unique. They try to decipher what the heck this calling is trying to tell them, all the while searching for a way to keep Death from bringing his sickle (you know, his sword thingy) on a predetermined date.
I did have to pause the show to play the song that’s in my quote above…. so I’m going back to that. Let me know what you guys think!
Tell me what YOU want! This blog is for ME, yes. However, I would still like to know thoughts, questions, topics and anything to help me escape from being a big kid not in Neverland. THANKS BABES!! 🖤💋💨
PS- Starting a blog isn’t easy when you get fat fingers.
I ponder what to write, as I sip my Chamomile honey tea, listening to Lana Del Rey, watching the snow fall outside, enjoying the beauty of the virgin snow, untarnished. I think about the days I felt pure. Even if I may have never been pure, I never felt so disgusted that someone has touched me, as I have since May. I hate that feeling. I know I am not the repulsive one, I know that I don’t deserve to feel like I’ve been violated in many ways. The people who makes others feel like that are the abhorrent ones.
My current lover’s hands are kind and focus on my needs, they are soft and caring, never cruel. I feel safe, a feeling that has been a rarity for me lately, but I cherish. I never allowed anyone to be my security before, knowing that if I depend on them, then they will probably leave, like most do.
Its always been hard on me to rely on others, but lately I find myself getting anxious easier, especially around people. The very few people that make me feel calm and safe, I reach out to more frequently because even if my mind can’t focus, at least I’m physically with people that truly give a shit about me and my daughter and I know we are safe.
A word that a lot of people take for granted, myself included, before I was put through my own unique hell.
I constantly search for my safe place, as our home had been blackened by an evil I never imagined either of us would go through. Although I love my true crime, I felt indestructible before. I have worked my ass off just to live and to make the best life that I can with Daughter. I believed that us being good people will bring only good to us, which was naïve. I had this childlike trust that if I am a good person, I will only have good outcomes.
Life likes to kick you in the ass and apparently I like it.
I seem to never get off, or get a smooth ride on my rollercoaster life, no matter how hard I try, regardless of every thing I do to only rely on myself.
I think of all of the destruction, but then I picture every single person who has stood by my side, no matter what. I value my people and each of them are irreplaceable to me. I realize that I am not alone and I don’t have to only rely on myself. Yes, I have to continue to be the badass mother, friend, writer that I am and I need to keep my focus, but I don’t have to hold everything inside.
I don’t have to go through the hard times alone because the ones that love me are there through them, but only if I allow them to be. They can’t know the chaos in my brain, unless they really know me, they won’t know when I’m depressed because I try so hard to be strong, to be the person always smiling, and the person who doesn’t need anybody.
That’s a fucking joke.
Life isn’t meant to be lived alone, which means the hardships that are undoubtedly going to happen, are not meant to be suffered through alone. If there are people that are willing to be by your side, whether they’re fighting, or just being there through all of the bad shit, keep their presence in your life during the good shit. Be there for them during the bad and good, just as much. Make it a point to ask how they’re doing.
The friends that I know go through mental hardships, I try to specifically ask, “How are you doing mentally?” Just so that it’s not the typical “How are you?” Its actually focusing on their mental status because that’s just as important. I don’t always know exactly what to do, which I’m sure many can relate, but even if it’s just me listening and making sure they’re as ok as they can be, I’d like to hope that it helps.
Not only do we need to focus on our own mental & physical health, we need to stay alert for those we care about. Open the discussion about what each of you need during particular hard times. Each person is different, so even if you can relate to a situation, the other individual may not go through it the same way you do. That’s why we need that discussion, we don’t have impossible expectations that can’t be reached because we didn’t let people know the best way to help us. We don’t let people know we’re going through stuff.
The people who care, will listen and adapt. The people who don’t, will have a mind so blocked that you shouldn’t take extra unnecessary time to repeatedly tell them how to love you. I’m not saying to unnecessarily explain yourself, or in my case, overexplain. I am saying to trust yourself and trust your loved ones to be there when you’re going through something rough.
If you feel like you don’t have anyone to reach out to, I assure you do, but if you can’t specifically point out a person in your life that you’d like to reach out to, please contact me (restraining & no contact orders excluded indefinitely)
You Are Not Alone.
My team and I are here for you, we care about you.
The reason behind my silence. I either normally feel nothing at all, or feel too much, but the chord has snapped and now I just feel nothing. I’m done fighting for everything. I’m done with things never being easy. I’m done with trying my hardest, only to be unappreciated & heartbroken. I’m done forming friendships and bonds, only to find that they weren’t as treasured with the other party.
I don’t know my next step, but I am so appreciative for those who have tried to keep me on track with my health, my writing, & healing my mind and my body.
I am disappointed in myself, yet I gain confidence every day.
I may be done, but I am still full of strength.
I may be numb, but I am still focusing on how I can help people with my writing.
Damn though, I might not know shit, but 3,000+ views are telling me people are watching. I don’t know why, but if they’re watching, I want to be someone worth paying attention to. I want those people to be free and confident in being their own unique selves, without worry about others. I want to help those hurting, or feeling alone.
I want to help those who abuse and violate be held accountable in a very broken justice system. I want to help fix that justice system, so victims don’t have to jump through burning hoops, possibly seeing their abuser or abusers over and over, reliving their real-life nightmare. A system where abusers are allowed to abuse repeatedly. I want to help, but I don’t know where to start.
I’ve reached out to a couple local “celebrities” for some guidance, or connections, but I hear crickets. I’m not offended, they may not know, they may be busy. It just means I need to do my own research.
I used to be good at finding answers, now I don’t take the time to find them.
Maybe the next tattoo I get needs to be on my forehead, the word PATIENCE in big fucking letters. I might get the hint then. That seems to be the BDL motto that I just cannot seem to figure out. I need to slow down and take the time to be productive.
Its been beautiful Spring days lately, where I am at and I love it. I love having windows and doors open, nobody yelling at me. I love smoking outside and looking at the stars, especially with certain people. I love being kissed and held. I love feeling safe with the very few people I’ve felt safe with lately. Those who’ve earned my trust.
I want to help others feel at peace and feel safe.
Even though I’ve been silent and feel like I’m done, I am constantly thinking of how to improve, how to make the blog bigger, how to avoid toxic people.
If any of you have suggestions, questions, comments, concerns, feel free to reach out. I would love to hear, even if I don’t apply them.
It was another morning, my hair all over the place, eyes groggy, and I was getting ready for the day. I was feeling self conscious, after a day of feeling Beautiful. I don’t know what switch was flipped, but I went one day feeling confident & happy, to another day of being down on myself & wondering what is my purpose.
As I’m squirting saline solution in my nose, for all the boogers up in there, I look down & my makeup bag (thank you ipsy) says “You’re Magic.”
A reminder that I really needed in that moment, even with the squirter up my nose, I look in the mirror & say, “Damn right, I’m magic.” I shouldn’t need that reminder, I should always think that I’m majestic, but trying to find motivation and my purpose, not really being exactly where I want to be, I get discouraged.
Which is stupid, life happens to us all, we all go through something temporary, it shouldn’t define our lives or make us feel any less. We need to give ourselves the love we give others, something I’ve been told & I’ve told people. I am like many, I’m harder on myself than anyone else may be. It’s good when I use it to help me stay focused and work hard to get where I want to be, but I also need to cut myself slack.
You do too.
Take this week to focus on hyping yourself up! If you catch yourself doubting your value & worth, check yourself & be reminded of the wonderful badass you are. Feel free to share any stories here or on the FB page.
We all know I’m an expert at being one, as I sit here and think about my walk in the mountains of Chatteroy, WA, a long passed due trip to see BRN. I smoke Phat Pandas Bluezz and I couldn’t be more content, as I write while everyone else is sleeping. OM & I went for an early morning walk because my dumbass forgot to shut off my alarms & my insomniac ass can rarely ever fall asleep after I’m awake.
I was going to sit there and play on my phone, but I thought to myself, “Fuck it, walking in the snow is a workout & you can take pictures.” Unfortunately, I allowed OM to lead me, only to a place that he can shit in the trees. Then on the way back, he led me where I fell in the snow.. twice. I got snow in my boot and by the time I got back to the house, it had turned into a snowball that I really wanted to throw at someone because it was so perfectly round and packed. My leg got pretty cold, but still I felt calm.
Calm. Something that may change once everyone wakes up, but that’s ok. I love the crazy too, I just can only handle it in little doses. BTW, Throw Throw Burrito was a fun, but intense game.
Hey y’all, Happy New Year 2021, 2020 was a shitshow for most of us, but here’s to hoping 2021 is 1000% more positive, filled with more love & laughter, & also filled with many happy surprises for us all.
Make positive, BDL…. a reminder to myself when I wrote the title of this article. It’s not necessarily a dos or don’ts, aside from me telling myself to “Don’t Be Negative.”
I am grateful for the serenity that is hard for me to find lately, I appreciate the calm moments that I took advantage of for so long. Sitting, petting my purry DC, singing along to music, as I drive, or just playing games on my phone to calm and focus my mind.
I really don’t have a list, I’m still trying to figure out my own shit, but I know that I want to focus on making me happy, calm, & finding myself. I really don’t have the answers, but I know that there’s certain ways that I want to feel. I’m going to visit the places & people that don’t disrupt that and may even add to it.
So what do my readers want to see from me in 2021? I have a lot of ideas that I won’t reveal, until the time is right, but I still want to know what you all hope to get from me & my blog. What type of BDL merch do you want to see?
Also, hoodies are getting ordered again, check them out on the FB page & let me know if you’re interested!
Smoking: Kouchlock Orange Kush & listening to Beyond Contempt, my True Crime pick of the evening.
I long for a love that I will never have. Instead of accepting that, I jump into relationships that I know are terrible for me. Instead of just accepting that I am meant to strive alone, I date guys that I will never feel not good enough for. They don’t have much going for them, so what I have going for me will be good enough. I am meant to wander and dream solo, yet I look for a partner.
That’s bullshit. I’m good enough regardless and so are you. Things don’t work out not because you’re not “good enough,” but because for some reason you and that person aren’t supposed to be together.
I look for someone who looks at me with love when I’m not paying attention. I search for the one who I am comfortable around & loves all my quirks. I have finally figured out, that it is me, I think I’m hilarious and I love me. Just kidding, but I’m working to get there & I am loving me more every day.
I don’t believe you need to love yourself to find love, but I do believe to have the love meant for you, you do have to love yourself enough to know what you want & stand your ground to keep it. I don’t mean that you never give someone a chance, just because they don’t mark all the boxes on your list. Don’t be the only one trying in a relationship.
Don’t Ever Settle!
Don’t be in a friendship or relationship, where all they do is take and they don’t give in return. Don’t be with someone who makes you always on edge or doesn’t try to get to know how to love you or know you. That’s not love. Don’t be with someone that makes you question every single move you make. Don’t walk on glass for anyone, unless you have a damn good reason.
Enough with the fucking don’ts, like I am really the expert on all of this. I know I have no credibility, but I still think some of this advice is legit, cuz I’m pretty awesome.
DO Be Happy.
DO find someone to be your home, even if its yourself.
Do LOVE yourself, as much as you love others.
If you’re wanting to be with someone, do spend time with the guy that respects you. Spend your effort and energy on the girl that does little things for you, just to make you smile. Appreciate the man that knows of your trauma and is patient and understanding, while you try to get through panic attacks, doing things you’ve done before with no issue, but now you’re different, even if you don’t want to be.
Find the person that you love spending time with, doing major things, but also doing boring, mundane things. You know what makes you happy, fucking go after it, even if you do it on your own. Life is way too short & unpredictable to not spend as many moments as you can to be fulfilled.
Just remember though, it’s ok to be sadmad on occasion, it’s ok to not have any reason to be in your funk, but the person you attach yourself to should hold you during those times, not avoid the situation. We also need to realize that if someone isn’t there, it’s not always because they don’t want to be, sometimes for one reason or another, they can’t.
I know that my almost crippling anxiety makes me think about every conversation, second guess every little thing said & see things that aren’t there, so I am working on communicating better. I’m trying to ask questions for clarification, instead of just assuming. I’m trying to not take it personally if someone doesn’t respond in the time frame, or the way that I anticipated.
I am also working on not being extremely disappointed if things don’t go the exact way that I planned. Change isn’t always bad and sometimes it’s actually better!
Lets end this on a positive note,, I love hearing stories of how couples get together, so comment how you got with your person! If you’re in love, when did you know that you loved that person?
I’m not telling you that you have to celebrate my holiday, when I say Merry Christmas. I say it because I hope you have a good day on one of my favorite holidays. If you celebrate something else, or not at all, don’t be offended, greet me how you’d like, wish me a Happy Hanukkah, Merry Kwanzaa, or just tell me to have a good day. It really isn’t something to be a cunt about.
Ok, moving on.
I am so grateful for the people in our lives that made mine & Daughter’s holiday a good one. We may not have piles of things under the tree, but we both appreciate each thoughtful gift received. I am a huge kid, especially when it comes to gift giving and receiving. I am just as happy watching everyone else open their gifts & enjoying their surprise looks, but especially happy to watch my kiddo open hers.
On Christmas Eve & Christmas day, I spent it with ND & family, since I didn’t have Daughter on Christmas this year. We spent time playing games, watching movies, and baking/cooking. Well ND & LXI did the baking, cookie decorating, & a lot of the cooking. Hubby did the turkeys. I helped by eating everything. I mean everything too, I ate ALOT this Christmas.
This year, when I picked up Daughter, her & I each took a set amount of money and went shopping for each other, a couple days after Christmas. It was actually pretty fun, we had to avoid each other in the store and both had to be stealthy. I’m confident that a lot of people thought I was stealing, hiding stuff under my coat, but I just didn’t want Daughter to get a sneak peek.
In case you’re worried, I paid for everything.
We went home, wrapped & exchanged gifts. I took a 4 hour nap and after I woke up, we got Little Cesar’s delivered, ate while we watched a Christmas movie, & then went to enjoy the Senske Light Show that they put on every year in Kennewick. We usually take OM & sing along to the songs, while he sleeps in the back.
All in all, we spent very little money for Christmas this year and the cards that we got everyone else will be a New Year card, but that’s ok. 2020 has been a shitshow for a lot of people and I’m ok with making the good cheer last as long as I can. Hopefully, start 2021 off right, so that we all can have a better year.
If you’re interested in receiving a New Years card from us, please let me know on the FB page, through FB messenger, or comment below.
What’s everyone’s plans for their holiday season? Tell me your favorite holiday tradition, it doesn’t even have to be a winter holiday, just any tradition that you would die if you didn’t do it every year or before every event?
Yes, today’s article is short & sweet, but I’ll be working on something longer soon. Don’t worry!
Smoking: Boggy Boon Banana Mints while listening to Break My Heart by Dua Lipa
GratiToad, a cute little character on Netflix’s terrible-but-funny show, Big Mouth. She makes the anxiety mosquito smaller and smaller. With how my own anxiety mosquitoes buzzing incessantly lately, I wish I had my own little cartoon GratiToad to slurp up all my anxiety with her long, sticky toad tongue. I made her a girl because she’s one in my head.
Then I realized, I don’t need a goddamn GratiToad, although it’s adorable, to make me think of what I’m grateful for. I’m grateful for healthy & alive family and friends, I love my job. As you know, the list goes on, but I need to also be grateful for things about myself. I need to love myself and its been quite hard lately.
Even if some things in my life have went to shit, I am grateful that while it feels like I am drowning, gasping for breath, I’m really just treading water and there’s so many things that haven’t went to shit. I tread until a calm wave gently puts me back on my feet. Someday, I’ll stand on the peaceful shore, hand in hand with my love, my feet planted on the ground, just watching the sea in front of me. Content, looking back at both the calm and the rough waves, hoping I don’t fuck it up again, but grateful for the person I am today.
I am grateful that I am the rough rock at the bottom of the ocean, getting tossed roughly over and over, so maybe I can come out smooth and more Beautiful than before.
At least that’s what I wish for and it’s hard to not get discouraged when it seems like I keep hitting roadblocks. I have to remind myself to to be strong and although I am allowed my moments of weakness, give myself time to rest, I can bulldoze through anything that gets in my way. When I have my eye on the prize, I am ruthless & unwavering and it’s about goddamn time that my prize is myself.
I’m tired of being indecisive and I’m tired of making all of the decisions, but I am glad I don’t allow anyone else to make my decisions and I need to trust myself more, not people unworthy of my trust.
I have goals and I need to have focus to get where I want to be. I want life to be easy, but if I didn’t work for what I needed, what I’ve wanted and work to help others, what would be my meaning? I’m glad that a recent encounter made me feel like I’m not broken. I’m glad that I am using my trauma to help others, not hurt.
I’m grateful that I have others that want to protect me, but we all know I am extremely capable of protecting myself. I am grateful that when someone tries to break me, I come out of the wreckage standing taller than the Statue of Liberty, a symbol of hope for so many. I am grateful that I am doing what I can to heal my body, mind, & black soul, even if its not approved by others.
I am grateful that even though love has done me wrong, mainly due to me not listening to my gut, I am still open and willing to love the right person. I am just willing to be patient, something I haven’t been for a long time & I’m still learning. I’m grateful that I can forgive those who have hurt me, but I move on and never look back.
I’m grateful that even when I am hurting, I still am trying to look at all sides, or trying to protect, but I stand my fucking ground & I don’t cower or hide anymore. Come at me bro. I may not kick ass, but at least I will fight back, instead of allowing abuse.
I’m grateful to have the drive and the motivation when I put my mind to something.
I am grateful that I only keep the good people around me, so that I don’t lose sight of the good and that I can be good.
I don’t ever fucking want to hear, “Stop thinking about him.” “Don’t give him time of day.” “Don’t waste your energy on him.” IF YOU’VE NEVER BEEN THROUGH THIS GODDAMN SITUATION, SHUT THE FUCK UP. Seriously, there are many reasons why it’s easier said than done, but one huge reason, is called trauma. Fucking look it up.
Today’s article is a huge reason why I don’t want to hear that from anyone, let alone somebody who doesn’t know what I’m going through. I will warn, there will be a lot of cussing, but if you don’t like it, fuck off.
I’ll also say that there was a huge misunderstanding and everyone is ok. (Also, I may be planning on getting a ring doorbell and moving again.)
I recently being told that the psycho ex was possibly trying to get ahold of me by someone who still had my old number saved and called it. He said the guy told him he only had the phone two days and already was getting a bunch of random calls from strange numbers. Seven months later & this fucker is still trying to call me? Fucking disappear already!
So about 20 minutes before I am off, I am kicking ass at work, rocking out to my music, on a roll with being busy and getting stuff done when Daughter calls me, which is odd because we normally text. I answer and she’s crying, saying “He’s here.” I was like, wait is he outside?” She said yes, they had pounded on the door said something & window. I asked if she called 911 and she hadn’t yet. I told her “Call 911, I’ll be there as soon as I can.” I shut everything down, packed my stuff, mouthed to my supervisor who was on a call. “I HAVE to go.”
And I mother fucking booked it to drive home. I called 911 to make sure someone was on their way and I said, “I better not get pulled over. This guy has two warrants for his arrest out on him & he’s crazy, they need to get there fast!” I was shaking, trying not to cry.
I get home, seeing a random car in my driveway, no police car, even though they live right down the street and I literally passed two on my way home.
I get out of the car, make sure nobody is at my front door, closer to my daughter, who is still locked in the house, and see someone walk around the random vehicle, I am ready to beat ass with all that I have. (Afterthought…. I probably could have got shot, but at that time, this mom didn’t care and wanted to be by my daughters side ASAP.)
It ended up being my cousin bringing my goddaughter over, there was a misunderstanding and neither Daughter or I knew that they were coming over. He’s the same height, blue eyes, & in the dark, his grey hair looks blonde, I thought it was psycho for a second too.
I yelled at my cousin, probably the one and only time I’d get away with it without him beating my ass and said “You can’t fucking do that!!” I have a crazy ex that has two warrants and he’s still trying to get ahold of me! He has pounded on my window before.”
My car was in the driveway, as I had a ride to work & he thought I was home.
We ended up telling dispatch everything is good and the officer called me to double check.
Daughter kept crying and apologizing and I said, “No! You have nothing to apologize for, psycho ex is the one to be sorry, he can’t fucking leave us alone, he’s a PIECE OF SHIT! I’d rather you be safe and this happen, then something actually happening.”
Lesson learned: COMMUNICATION IS KEY!
A fucking piece of shit scum has made my Daughter, myself, my friends, and my coworkers feel unsafe and nothing can be done because of COVID?!?!?! Why the hell is this allowed?!
Why are pieces of shits getting away with this?!?! Why do they continue to?!?! The justice system is very flawed & something needs to happen.
What ideas do you have to make a change in this type of situation?
Ok…. granted, I have forgotten that many times when I wasn’t stoned! Smoking NYC Diesel made by Mind Benders.
Music Vibes: Shame On Me- BMike
I know there’s a lot of assumptions certain things with my story & I want to clarify, it wasn’t all bad growing up, there are a lot of good memories with my parents and brother. Also, don’t fucking make assumptions, ask me. If I don’t think badly of my parents, nobody else should. They have their own stories to tell too and some that I’ve never heard, I’m sure.
My mom made mine & my brother’s lunches all the way up til I graduated, (I’m sure she didn’t stop then, but I wouldn’t know.) She tried to have a decent dinner for us every night. Her & dad both worked hard to provide a good life for us, too. They both had jobs where they followed their dreams and were helping other people.
Mom was my Campfire leader, something she enjoyed growing up, she drove me to every game, every practice, it was her face I seen at pretty much every event. She was one of the firsts to volunteer, when it came to anything with us kids. Not me, I’m the first to make up a reason why I can’t.
Dad was a volunteer firefighter & EMS growing up, until he finally got his dream job on the department. When you’re a volunteer, this was before the department was as established, as if is now, there weren’t shifts. You just had to get up and go as soon as the call was made, even if you didn’t want to, even if you were exhausted, even if you were in the middle of something with your family. You had to pray that you had enough people to meet you at the fire station to effectively do your job & leave on time.
He wasn’t there because he was trying to help somebody else, so yeah it sucked for all of us, what he missed, but he was out fighting a fire, trying to save somebody’s life, or rush them to the hospital. I would like to think that would be more important than one of my soccer games, when I really didn’t care for sports.
Besides, he is one of the faces that Daughter sees at almost everything important to her. I wouldn’t trade that for the world.
Dad was the one who taught me to ride my bicycle, drive, & even braid.
He sure is there now, with myself, my brother, and the grandkids. Him & mom both always try to make things special for us all.
We would go on drives to look at Christmas lights. We would sit outside & watch Thunderstorms, trying to count the seconds between lightening flash and the thunder booming. I love Thunderstorms to this day, my Daughter feels the same.
On road trips they would get us to sing Old McDonald in the weird way, only we did. Eee-Iii Eee-Iii Oooohhh, in our deep voice, you kinda have to be there to get the real effect.
Even though, we grew up calling our dad the Grinch, we really knew that he was just as excited as the rest of us for the holiday. Even opening things he’d buy himself & mom would wrap. He had already forgotten he’d got them, so it was still a Christmas surprise to him. They both tried very hard for us to all have a special day, whether it was birthdays or holidays.
Mom is the worst liar too, which she’s passed to me, so you could always read whatever was on her face.
One of my most memorable birthday presents was a bike, not even because I remember the bike. My party was at a park and I was told to follow this string, all my friends behind me, having just as much fun trying to wonder what the string led to. It was my brand new bike in the back of our truck!
I remember going to the store to buy stuff where we would paint our own rockets. We would paint them and plan time to go to the baseball field and shoot them off. It was so fun to watch them blast off, high into the air and then my brother & I would race after them, seeing who could get there first.
Now, my parents are the happiest I’ve seen them, they are dedicated to one another & making their life together and being happy. They seem to be a good team. They go on trips together. Yes, they still bicker, but all married couples do. They turned a bad situation into a good one through hard work on both ends.
My point is, my life isn’t terrible, I love my family and my friends. I could go on and on with good memories and how people have shown up, I love my job and the people I work with. I am still allowed to tell my story without judgement. I am allowed to talk about my experiences that involve other people without others looking down on me or my people, and without anyone being upset.
We all have a story, we all have moments we aren’t proud of, as long as we move on, grow from it, & try to be the best person possible, its fucking ok! If we keep being a shitty person over and over, not even trying to be better, thats when it’s not ok. So stop hanging on to the past, make now and the future the best you can. Life is shorter than we realize, fleeting moments could turn into treasured memories, so use this time to be good and be happy.
So tell me your favorite memories growing up, tell me your not so favorite memories, its part of life. I try not to judge, neither should you. Not everything is what you see on the surface, we all have something we hold back for one reason, or another. Something that might be a huge part of why we’ve made mistakes or why we’ve done things a certain way.
If any of my readers would like to share their story, or stay anonymous & have me tell their story, please reach out to me! I am listening.
A friend of mine reached out to me, after reading my story, asking to be anonymous, but wanting to tell her story to the world. We made plans to meet later that day, since she didn’t want to type it out and I was ok with listening & typing. I already knew some of her story, but some new reveals made me angry & feeling protective over her.
My friend is one strong bitch and unfortunately, she had gone through a lot of pain, abuse, & torment in order to get to where she is today. She’s a mother, a wife, career woman, and friend.
As we sat on my couch, my heart already heavy and hurting for her, knowing I didnt want to hear this, but proud she is speaking her truth. We joked around & talked about the blog article I just posted, Is It The COVID or Did She Just Get Lit and then got to business.
WARNING: this article will have some mentions of rape & abuse, & may cause triggers.
This is HER story.
Names were changed to protect the victim, not the abuser.
My mom had me when she was 18 with a man that she didn’t want to marry, but my grandpa made her have a shotgun wedding because she was pregnant with me. Having a baby out of wedlock was a sin and not allowed. I remember a lot of fighting, my mom throwing something at him because he was being a jerk, he took off after her. Threw me out of the way & I hit my head.
They got divorced, my mom had more custody & I was with my dad for a month in the summertime. The abuse started one night, when I was about 4 or 5, he was reading a book while I was laying in bed, my legs were out froggy style & my dad ran his hands down both my legs. I knew it was wrong, but I felt I could not say anything because it was my dad. My mom remembers one time me coming home with blood in my underwear when I was about 5, but she didn’t say anything. I had a dog when I was a kid and I was able to bring him with me. I told my mom it was for him to “protect me” my mom didn’t understand the hidden meaning behind those words. She didn’t understand that the dad that was supposed to be protecting me was hurting me. One night, the dog was with me, my dad came in to do something to me, as he was tucking me in, but my dog bit him. The dog disappeared the next day.
There was a night that I had a nightmare of my dad coming after me. I was living with my aunt at the time and sharing a bed with my mom. My mom had to leave me, I begged her not to leave me, I was on a chair in my house, my dad came and filled the house with snakes. One snake struck my private area and I woke up screaming, waking my mom up. I could only tell her he was just mean. I couldn’t tell her my truth.
Finally, I ran into my moms room one night and told her what happened. I went to counseling, the counselor thought I was lying at first, my dad said I was lying. My mom met the man I call my dad today, while she was going through a custody battle with me. My dad told the biological father that he can give his rights away of me, or he can go to jail for a very long time. And my monster disappeared.
As a kid you try to block out all of the bad, I don’t remember everything, I remember parts. People ask if seeds were planted in my had as a kid. They weren’t.
Ever since then, I’ve been boy crazy, curious about things because I now new that it felt good down there. I grew up to have a very flirtatious personality, when I’m actually just talking to someone, they thought I was flirting.
The summer after 8th grade, I was babysitting my cousins because their step mom didn’t trust my older cousin around the boys. 4-H time was in August, and I had a competition that day a little later. My cousin he was flirty with me and I always felt very uncomfortable around him. One day, I went to a 4-H competition where I entered my bread, I was babysitting, but I had a friend and her mom coming to get me to take me to the competition. He said “I had something to show you” from inside a room. Curious and unaware, I go in and he shuts the door. I ask him what he’s doing, he barricades the door, so I cannot go out without making a scene. I was terrified and asked him what was going on. My own cousin said “I just thought you were so beautiful, I’ve always wanted to touch those lips of yours” and walked towards me. I kept saying no, the whole time he pushed me on the bed. I said no as he kept trying to put his hands down my shirt & I said no as he tried to put his hand down my pants.
I was saved by the phone ringing. It was my mom. She called to let me know that my friend and her mom should be there any time, as they pulled up. I got off the phone & I ran out, horrified and got in the car. We drove away and when her mom went in the store, my friend who had seen my face, but kept silent asked me repeatedly what’s wrong. I couldn’t tell her at first, just cry, I didn’t want to relive the memory. I felt ashamed, but she didn’t let me stay quiet. She made me tell her mom, who said I needed to tell my parents.
I went to that competition and got grand champion on my bread. (BDL Sidenote-This is where I told her she needs to make me some, I waited until after I was sure it was good.)
My friend’s mom took me back home after the competition & told me “You either have to tell them, or I have to.” She ended up telling them because I was scared out of my mind, knowing this would cause a lot of problems. My mom came out & yelled at me to get out of the car. Thinking I was in trouble, she said, “I called because I knew something was wrong.” My mom told my dad and the cops were involved. My mom had to make sure my cousin did not rape me. It probably would have gone that far if she had not called. The stepmom apologized to me, offering support at first, but then turned on me. My abuser took a lie detector test, which came back in his favor, he was a good liar. Everyone stopped believing me after that, I was told I was a girl that called rape. A title that stuck with me for years. I was told need to stop being so flirty and leading people on. I was told to change because someone violated ME. The popular boy got away with his lies.
At school, he couldn’t be around me, talk to me, or look at me, but he made me to be out the biggest liar and everyone believed him because he was the cool kid. Then I found out that another girl in school was put through the same thing with him. She never told anyone, but if she would have said something, maybe someone would have believed me.
Our families are still tense as ever, his family looks at me like I am scum at any family function because I “tried to get their son in a lot of trouble.” It pisses me off to this day, that he got away with shit. Sick mother fucker. Every time I see him, my skin crawls.
I was crowned prom queen senior year and had to go back the following year to crown the next prom queen. I went with the prom king of the same year I was, we made it a date, going out to eat, then going to the prom. At dinner, we were both being flirty, but I wasn’t asking for anything. He suggested we get alcohol, a hotel room, & have people over for a party. I was a party girl back then, so I was all for it. He had to leave the prom early because he was drinking, so I left with him because he was my ride. He took me to a hotel room & started to unzip my dress. I stopped him and he was confused. He kept pushing though, asking me why I acted like I did, if I didn’t want it. I said no as he forced himself on me. I was scared out of my mind because I felt like I had nobody to call & nobody would believe me. When he went to the bathroom, I ran out of the hotel room I called my ex boyfriend crying. Prom king came out and physically drug me by my hair, back to the hotel room, my ex still on the phone. He heard everything going on, but unable to do anything because he was 4 hours away. I fought and kept yelling no! finally I kicked him in the nuts & ran out with my phone & I ran to a nearby sheriff’s house that was also a friend of the families. I told him what happened and asked if I could stay for the night because I didn’t want to tell my parents and my ex boyfriend was on his way to get me. He told me as a law officer, he legally had to tell my parents. So, he called my parents and my abuser was found at a strip club, where he was arrested and admitted to doing that to me.
He said he was “sorry.”
My parents told me I shouldn’t have been drinking with him alone. They told me, I shouldn’t have been flirting with him, I shouldn’t have went to the hotel room, I shouldn’t have put myself in that situation. I was hated for putting the star basketball player in jail, was called a slut. I didn’t press charges because I was told to “leave it alone, drop it,” and it was my fault because “Why would You want to ruin that boys life?” As if he didn’t try and ruin mine. I was accused of wanting it, but then being the type to get someone in trouble. My ex came to picked me up the next day. My parents hated him, so my mom attacked me, hitting my head repeatedly on my bedpost. I wasn’t fighting back, I was taught not to hit my mom or dad. A moment that I now laugh about & my mom still has guilt over and apologizes for.
I went to Seattle with my ex for a few weeks and came back after finding out that he was in drugs and selling it, his brother was a drug dealer. He took me along on a coke deal that went wrong. The buyer, coked out of his mind, really wanting his drugs pulled out a gun. Someone got shot, I was terrified and just wanted to go home. We left, they were high off their minds, drinking and driving & I thought I was going to die. The next day I made him take me home and he did, even though he was pissed off about it. I didn’t talk to him after that
I always came second to them, my parents, especially after my brother. I had to apologize to my mom and dad because it was always my fault. I didn’t talk to them while I was with that ex. He was the one who got me out of my perfect shell, the honor roll, athlete, & student. I began partying with him. I was a partier, my parents knew it & we made a deal, if I drank, I wouldn’t drink and drive. They tried to loosen the reins because they knew I would do my own thing regardless, so they wanted a compromise.
There was one weekend, where I got a text message to come out to a party out in the country. I decided to go out because it was people I trusted. One couple I was with was out there for about and hour and left. So it was myself, a girlfriend, two guy friends, & one of their dads. My friend was all about one guy, while I was into the other. Now, I was a party girl, so I was a habitual drinker. I was on my 3rd drink that was given to me by my friends dad, when things started getting really fuzzy and black. Next thing I know, I’m waking up in the back of my car with my door opened, hanging out the car door, my pants unbuttoned, shirt ripped, back hurting. I went to the bathroom and saw deep, bleeding scratches that were the result.
My friends asked “Wow did you have fun last night?” I had no idea what happened. Pulled my girlfriend aside and I asked what happened? She said “You got really drunk and was acting all crazy, then went out to the car with him & you started rocking the car” The guy left me because I passed out & I wouldn’t get up, but he brought me a blanket, so I didn’t get cold. After having a conversation with him, he seemed to think that I was into it. After contemplation, I wonder if I was roofied by the dad, but since I was into my friend, he was the one who took advantage of my “craziness.” They said I was being funny and crazy, so clearly it was a different me than they were used to. My friend knowing that and still allowing us to do something is inexcusable. I was still violated because I was not in my right mind.
I kept my mouth shut about that, I was too scared to speak out about because of the previous times that I did. I couldn’t tell anyone that I may have been roofied or drugged, in fear that I would be judged and blamed once again.
Later, I was in a traumatic car accident, where my friend passed away, which put me in an extremely dark place, I was numb, & in a “fuck the world” self destructive mindset. I figured that since I was going to be called a whore anyway, maybe I should be so that I can actually feel. It was part of my healing to focus on sex with different men, one-night standers. I remember one guy asked if I was going to cry rape because “aren’t you the girl that cries rape?” Lets just say we didn’t have sex.
I spoke out two times, one person admitting it on records, two times and I’m “the girl that cries rape.” I was my family’s embarrassment because I put myself in those situations. I don’t think things through, I dressed the wrong way, or acted the wrong way. I was blamed for something someone did to me.
We moved out of town not too long after that, to Idaho. I was driving, just wanting to end it, started speeding and speeding, ready to end it, but I thought of my little brother. I thought of my Grandma and Aunt & thought, “I am being selfish.” and I slowed down.
I was going to a college there, staying at the dorms, still in a dark place and started dating, “John.” He was the first person that called me to ask if I was ok after that accident. He must have cared, right? I felt special about myself because of him, he would always send me money when I was in a bind, he helped me buy a car, so I can drive to school, he’d give me money for food. He even flew me out to go visit him, where he treated me like a queen. He made me feel special and that I mattered for once. He didn’t make me feel like everything was my fault. Then five months later, he asked me to marry him. He said he could take me away from everyone making me feel the way I feel.
Did I love him? No, he just made me feel good about myself and that I could get far away from everybody. I thought that I could start over because nobody knew who I was over there. When we were getting married, I gave a friend a look that said “I don’t want to do this.” I had changed my mind, but I went through with it because he was my only way out. Later, I moved over there because he had got us an apartment and he was able to take me away.
Things started getting really bad after I moved. The first week went fine, but then things went sideways. He controlled me, made me get a job, but I wasn’t allowed to have money. It was his money, he made me ask for anything I wanted or needed. He made me cook meals, clean, do his laundry and iron his uniform and if I didn’t do it, it was bad. He would talk badly about me to his friends and they would call me mean names like a fatty cow. If I stood up for myself it was bad. I was thrown against the wall, his hand on my throat, saying “what did you say to me?”
I was forced to sleep naked in bed, one night I finally put my foot down and said “I’m going to go sleep in the couch.” I walked out of the bedroom, he pulled me back by the hair, pulled a knife on me and “You’re going to do what you’re fucking told because I know how to hide a body & nobody is going to find you.”
I no longer want to sleep naked, I try and I can’t. That’s not fair to my current husband. (BDL sidenote: This man is a good husband and dad and I think these two were meant to be together) My husband understands and doesn’t blame me or make me feel bad, he is just pissed that the choice was taken away from me.
John would be nice one minute and punching a hole in the door next. One time, he punched a door where my face would have been if I hadn’t of moved. Then, he threw me on the ground telling me I was a stupid bitch. To this day, I still don’t know what I did to cause such an extreme reaction. One day, a few months in, when he was in a nice mood, he suggested we get a dog. I loved that dog, he loved me, he was my dog, I took care of him, but the dog didn’t like John. John was in one of his moods, being a dick to me, the dog hackled and showed his teeth in warning. The next day, I got a text message while I was at the work the next day, he had been home. He said that the dog was going to die because he bit him. He said he choked the dog out until he shit himself. The dog dealt with so much abuse because of him. John left and left my somewhere. Later, I got a call because the microchip was in my name and I begged the lady to keep him. I cried saying “He will probably die if he goes back.” She told me “Honey, you need to get out.” I said, I’m working on it.
John would tell me it was my doing, him getting rid of my dog. He made me feel like it was my fault because I didn’t train him right. At the time, I agreed because I thought I must deserve it. I always blamed myself after the accident, so I thought, this was karma. I took all of the abuse because I thought I deserved it. I already hated life, so I thought this is my life now.
Months pass and he brings home two boxer puppies. In my mind, I wonder “ what are you going to do to me now, are you going to mindfuck me now & beat them in front of me?” One day he was giving the boy puppy a bath. He was a puppy, he was excited & wouldn’t sit still. I was out in the living room, petting the girl puppy. All of a sudden, I see the boy puppy flying because John threw him against a wall. One time at 4 months old, the girl puppy peed, John picked her up and body slammed her to the ground, where she went stiff. I thought he had killed her.
He used to hide my phone, so I couldn’t talk to anyone. One night, he was sleeping and I found out where he had hid it. I called my best friend crying, telling her everything that’s been going on. I had kept quiet for a very long time, she thought I was ignoring her and didn’t want to talk to her anymore. John isolated me and kept me from calling her and anyone else. After hearing the story, my best friend was shocked, telling me I need to get out.
I told my parents, they told me I made my bed, now I had to lay in it. They didn’t help me get out, or even offer, like a normal parent would after hearing that. I called my brother’s wife because even though my best friend said I need to get out, I didn’t know how.
I found out that John was deploying, my sister in law and I were already strategizing how to get me out. John had to give me access to the bank accounts because he was deploying for 6 months. My sister in law said “You need to take money out, little by little and save it.” So I slowly took out money for 3 months and then finally packed up my shit and moved with the girl puppy. I couldn’t take both, as much as I didn’t want to keep the boy boxer there, I couldn’t take him. I found a good home for him and told them not to give him back.
While John was deployed, he would call and question me about the money spent and what I was buying. One time he called me and told me “you’re not thinking about leaving me are you? Nobody’s going to want you, you’re an ugly fat cow. You can’t do better than me.” That was the day I said “watch me asshole” I hung up on him and didn’t speak to him again. I went out to a bar that night, where I met a guy that I ended up sleeping with. We became friends after that. A few weeks later, I left. I flew home where I had already shipped my dog and she was there when my brother and sister in law picked me up. The next day, I filed for a divorce.
That asshole drug it out and would not sign the goddamn papers, thinking that he would scare me back to him. I was ready for a fight and thought “I dare him!” It took me a while after he got back from deployment, to get over that he was not coming for me. I was so scared, if someone would make a sudden movement, I would flinch for years after that. He kept thinking he could scare me back, even one time sending me flowers from “my best friend” to my parents house.
I tried going to therapy for all of my trauma, but they made me feel like a child. I had been on antidepressants before I married John, but stopped taking them because I didn’t like them. So, I have dealt with this on my own. I know I haven’t completely healed, that’s why I have a short fuse now. I never was an angry person growing up, I was a doormat, & kept silent. I wasn’t allowed to talk about my feelings, so I bottled everything inside.
Two months after John, I got together with my husband. I was finally ok with putting myself out there & started being interested in dating again. I was very cautious at first, he was nice, but so was John. Then I saw him with his kids and I trusted him more and more every day. He was my first love in high school and we found each other 6 years later via social media and we clicked. He came across my friend suggestions and I added him. He accepted. A few days of working up the courage, I messaged him and asked how he was, the rest is history. I felt so right talking to him. We would talk on the phone for hours and text all day, he was relieved when I made it to my brothers, when I left John.
He knew my situation & helped me by encouraging me to get out, telling me he would help me in any way that he could. I started being more myself around him. After a month or so of dating, he flew me out to see him. My two week stay ended up being a 3 year stay.
Finally I made the right choice! We have been together 10 years and we’re still going strong.
I always asked for things like a damn pack of gum and it would drive him crazy, he would say “If you want it, get it.” It was a feeling I wasn’t used familiar with at the time. He probably should have never told me that, cuz now I do! He helped me heal and come back to my happy, loving self. He gave me 4 beautiful kids that taught me to be a better person & help me strive to move forward and not be living in the past. I’m not letting what happened to me bring me down anymore because I have my kids to show and teach them about life & to protect from the dangers of the world. Now this mama bear is on alert! I dare someone to fuck with my kids because I’d go to prison! (BDL sidenote: She absolutely would too, one time she took a guy down for picking on someone else. She’s a lady beast.)
I will always be by my kids side if anything that happened to me, happened to them, I would not tell them its their fault. I would fight for them. I’ve taught them to never be silent, always stand up for yourself no matter what people say, and to fight when they feel threatened.
The only song that fits with this article is Praying by Kesha.
WARNING: this article will have some mentions of rape & abuse, & may cause triggers.
Children being told to be quiet when they are hurt or told to not stand up for themselves are the reason our culture is full of rape and abuse. People are afraid to speak up when they’ve been violated. Why is the word rape even linked to the word culture in any situation? Unfortunately, because it’s normalcy. Teach your kid to fight if someone is hurting them. Teach your kid to stand up for themselves. Lead by example. Listen when your child says they’re uncomfortable around someone. Don’t fucking force them to talk to someone or hug someone, if they don’t want to.
If abuse is stopped at the beginning & people are not afraid of talking about things, if victims were believed & weren’t blamed, if abusers were held accountable & NEVER had another fucking chance to abuse again, there would be less people feeling like rape, abuse, or murder is ok, more people speaking their truth.
YOU NEVER HAVE A RIGHT TO TOUCH SOMEONE WITHOUT CONSENT.
If you abuse or violate someone in any way, you’re a monster. If you lie & wrongfully accuse someone of abuse, you’re also a monster.
I was shushed by a mom who tried to do her best to make me a good person, didn’t happen lol. I grew up where a naked male was normal, where screaming and fighting was constant. Mental and physical abuse were a regular & I was taught to not fight my battles. Nobody protected me and my brother. I grew up feeling like I had to keep him safe. That wasn’t my job, but I felt like I was the only one & I had to make it my job. Even though it was only 3 years difference, I am still the big sister.
We got in trouble for fighting, when thats all we knew, that’s all we were shown.
I remember one time being quieted because I was screaming after a painful procedure, in an ear that has had lifelong issues, instead of being comforted or allowed to feel my pain. I remember many occasions where other people’s comfort were more important than mine.
Fuck that shit. Especially if someone is attacking you, you scream & fight, make people notice you.
One day at a highschool football game, I punched a guy that pushed me down, then another friend pushed the trickster down after I punched him. He stopped pushing girls down after that. Instead of being proud that I stood up for myself & stopped it from happening to others, the first “parental” instinct was to berate me.
As the years went on, I became abundantly censored, the only truth told in my writing. People didn’t want to hear what I had to say.
Here’s my story:
My first boyfriend, the one I lost my virginity to at 15, knowing I was a virgin, went “as hard as I could” after I asked him to be gentle, per his own words. Further into the relationship, he raped me while my whole family was upstairs. Like there was the assumption that just because I had sex with him before, I wasn’t allowed to say no. I shut down, I felt like I was watching everything happen from above, I couldn’t scream because I was silenced for too long & that was my first instinct. I didn’t tell anyone for years. In trying to hurt that boyfriend, I hurt someone I care about & to this day I still am ashamed.
That same boyfriend showed my friend’s his dick on my 16th birthday. He cheated on me & never asked me to homecoming, but took a “friend.” There was one instant where he was in the backseat of the car with me and my best friend, me sitting in the middle, holding a shirt up as she changed. She already was uncomfortable around guys.
He tried pulling the shirt down, I slapped him & I was reprimanded by someone I saw being pushed, hit, hurt, & instead of fighting back, she allowed it. She allowed her kids to go through it. I can’t say I know her story or why she thought she deserved that, but none of us did. She’s stronger than she realizes and she could have made herself & us kids her priority.
I remember yelling during a screaming match where my brother and I were sitting at the table crying “Just get a divorce then!” I was probably one of the very few kids who wished for their parents to separate, but I thought we would all be happier. I mustered up the courage to stand up for my brother and I, only to be yelled at for being “mouthy.”
Grown adults should have paid more attention to their kids hiding scared behind a chair and crying during a fight, instead of worried about fighting. I kept my arms around my brother, trying to be strong for him, not knowing what I could do to get us out. I remember the two of us learning to find comfort in each other’s rooms & each other, trying to be distracted from the anger by listening to music, reading, & playing with toys. We did whatever we could to tone out the animosity in our home.
We should been considered & those fights should have been in private. They still should be. I don’t want to spend time with someone and hear bickering. How dare you tell me to be quiet, when all you did was yell? You were the adults, not me. I grew to think that I deserved to be treated bad.
So Mom, I love you and appreciate all that you do & have done. I know you tried your hardest.
However, I will never stop my fucking cussing because I have the right to speak my piece, just as much as anyone. Who cares if I cuss? Its not hurting anyone, but its me, the unique me that you say you’re proud of, but you want to silence.
It’s the me that donates to charities regularly, the one who wants to advocate for the underdog, the one willing to go through hell, so someone else doesn’t have to, the me that cares deeply & knows what its like to feel unloved. I overwork myself, trying to show love to everyone I encounter, its the me that works my ass off, but sometimes I get so overwhelmed, I shut down from the world, so I can get some peace. I’m the one who tries to follow my dream, but worries too much what other people think, that I become an unhappy shell.
Its time to make ME happy.
My story of abuse isn’t finished. There’s more. This might be the hardest to publish, but I have to.
I will no longer keep the secret of a now deceased family member (that I began feeling uncomfortable with around middle school) trying to grope me when I was a young mother. I was so shocked & scared that instead of kicking him out of my apartment right then and there, I let him stay until he got picked up. I was so worried about being polite, that I continued to allow people to think they had any right to MY body. I went to my room and begged my then boyfriend to come out, but he was too busy sleeping. Boy did he feel like a piece of shit when I told him this story later. He should.
I slowly walked back to the living room, not knowing what to do, only to be told by that family member he would do anything to keep me quiet, he said he “would go on my knees for anything.” Making me feel so disgusted, instead of him being the one to feel ashamed for crossing a boundary he should have never crossed.
He finally left & that was the moment I decided he would never be around my daughter & I again. I had to make sure I protected her. If there was a family function, he would not be allowed alone around her. I wasn’t questioned when I let people know that person wasn’t around alone around my daughter and I should have been. I should have felt comfortable telling people why. I told other people in the family, so they could protect their kids. He was still allowed around them. I was told recently by one of those people that “I just can’t see him doing that.” Why weren’t people believing me?
I was shocked, that is something, I would never lie about, seeing family members go through false accusations that I would never try do destroy someone like that. I found out the person who violated me, forced himself on his own daughter. Another victim who was silenced and witnessed her children abused, not doing anything about it. More worried about being with someone than protecting her kids like a parent. should do. A toxic infinite cycle that needs to stop!
I even cared for this horrendous person on their deathbed & was there for his last breath. I feel like he waited to be forgiven before he left this earth because he heard me say I love him, he heard his daughter say she loves and forgives him. A few hours later he was gone.
No matter what I think of myself, this shows that I am a good person, but like any good person, we are human and make mistakes.
This was family member that was idolized. I didn’t want to speak ill of the dead because I didn’t want someone who cared about that person to be hurt by this. Yet every time something good is said about him, my skin crawls.
WHAT ABOUT ME?!
My decisions & the guys that I’ve dated are 1000% me being a fucking idiot. That is not anyone else’s fault, but my own. Loneliness leading me into beds that I couldn’t warm and arms that wouldn’t stay the night. I would try so hard to keep those that didn’t deserve me & I believed that I didn’t deserve the the ones who did, so I pushed them away.
I had one boyfriend that I dropped everything and moved in with him after a few months, after his pushing. When we were good, we were amazing. When we were bad, it was war.
We had broken up for a few months and got back together, we both hooked up with someone else. Both men.
One instance, we were driving home from my parents, my daughter in the backseat. He wanted to know the size of the dick of the guy I hooked up with, even though my guy was bigger, it wasn’t his business the size of someone else, ever. I didn’t cheat on him, he didn’t cheat on me.
It turned into a fight and when we pulled into town, stopped at a stop light, the insecure little bitch got out of the car. I drove off, took my daughter to see the local Senske Christmas light show. I wanted to do something to make her happy.
We go home and I hear a loud crack as we were walking into the door. This guy had torn the closet door off the wall, after punching a hole in it. He had also thrown his phone, so hard against a wall that it broke through one of my framed posters and made a hole in the wall.
He was a pipefitter and strong, when we would fight, he would act like the victim. He would harass me about blowing him, even though I did it regularly. After we got back together, he was so ashamed of his drunken sexual encounter with another man, that it haunted him.
I’ve tried anal a few times, never liked it, so its not something I will do. Its not something that I have to do, ever.
Well his insecurities were taken out on me. I never made him feel bad about having sex with another man, but he kept bothering me about anal, after he knew I wasn’t into it and I did most everything else in the bedroom. I took it until one day, I was on the phone with him, driving my car, with my daughter in the backseat. He started yelling at me about anal… again. Finally, I snapped… I yelled, “Fine! Go fuck another guy, if you want anal so bad!” I hung up and shut off my phone.
When I turned my phone back on, I had multiple voicemails of him crying and apologizing. Then he would have the audacity to expect things from me, even though he would see I was in the middle of folding laundry and I tried to make him come home to a hot dinner, he still would ask “What did you do all day?” Fuck that.
Just because I’m in a relationship with you doesn’t mean my No is ineffective. You are not entitled to my body!
A few years after him and I broke up for good, another boyfriend wanted anal too, even after knowing I didn’t like it. Dude, men! What is your fascination with getting shit on your dick?! Exit only!
Well this guy decided to still try to play with my butthole, while we were doing doggy. I stopped him and yelled, I’m done! I could tell he was ashamed and I was glad.
Let me say it again for the simple minded.
JUST BECAUSE I AM IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU, DOESN’T ALLOW YOU TO DO WHAT YOU WANT WITH MY BODY!
If I tell you no about something with MY body, you do not have the right to make me feel bad, EVER. Hear that, EVER!!!
The long road of failed relationships led to the psycho, who felt the right to my body, my home, my money from day one. The word “No” again rarely heard and again ignored, something I’ve allowed too many times, instead of standing my ground and leaving.
I was violated in so many ways, our peace, our home felt like a prison. The home I’ve worked my ass of for us to have and feel safe in. My bare ass was put on a video without my consent. Conversations we have, were unknowingly recorded many times, so that he’d have something to hold over my head. Things said in confidence thrown back in my face to hurt me. Threats of self harm, a cowards manipulation tactic, if I left this person stayed heavy on my mind. I found out that this was normal for him. While he was dating me, he would tell me how he treated people. One time I got so mad, that I said:
“Nobody owes you anything, you aren’t entitled to something that belongs to someone else.”
He would follow me everywhere, I couldn’t even go to the bathroom without him knocking on the door. I would get screamed at for having my own windows open, in the house I mother fucking paid rent for. He drove my car that I pay for. I was the only one working, yet every cent he paid was thrown in my face, usually it was on gas that he used.
One time, I just needed space from him and I locked myself in the bathroom & he just kept harassing me, pounding on the door. He wouldn’t want me talking to other men, but he had all these girls in his phone, calling him and he’d answer. When we’d fight, I’d hear, “I’ve fucked models.” I would say “I don’t care!!” I even told him I’ve fucked sexier men than him, which I have. Better in bed and bigger dicks too and way better and pleasuring me. I try to never make someone I’m with feel bad about themselves, but he broke me down to that point.
He would tell my friends and family that he wanted to break me. They did nothing. They said nothing.
One time, I was trying to have a private conversation with my daughter, he of course eventually followed me & butted in. I tried to get him to go away and it turned into a verbal fight in front of her. She hated it, I could tell, instead of taking the hint & letting us talk, we fought. So I eventually stopped my conversation with my daughter, just to get the fight away from her.
Anytime I was on my phone, he was always looking over my shoulder, asking questions, I even offered for him to look at it, he declined. However, one time I woke up to him standing over me, going through my phone.
He would get jealous of my guy friends, even if they’re married. Anybody who knows me, knows I will never cheat, or knowingly be with someone that’s in a relationship. I am also 100% into any guy I’m dating. I don’t see anyone else.
He’d scream in my face and the one time when I would lightly push his face out of mine, he would go on and on about how I hit him. He would record me without my knowledge or consent to try to get me to admit to hitting him, which I never did, but I just wanted him to shut up, so I apologized for something I didn’t do. Of course, he was recording & thats when he’d just up about that.
On Mother’s Day, I thought we had a good day with my parents & then we had to meet my daughters dad for his time with her. On the way, I was content, listening to music, leaning against the door, just playing on my phone. He fucking flipped a crazy switch, like me being on my phone was the worst thing imaginable. Started yelling at me, then when I stood up for myself, he turned the music up crazy loud in MY car. That time I did smack him & I didn’t hear the end of that either. He turned the wheel obnoxiously hard & then started going on and on about how I put my Daughter in danger.
I told him to pull over, I’m driving. He did, but wouldn’t get the fuck out of the drivers seat, knowing I’d probably leave him. My daughter, crying opened her door, to hand me her phone, so I could call 911. I didn’t, but should have. Finally, he moved to the passenger seat, not getting out of the car, then the whole trip he would tell me to give him money that I borrowed from my parents for stuff I needed because unemployment hadn’t come through for my work being closed during coronavirus.
I said I would give him money and drop him off, just so he would leave me the fuck alone. Then he’d flip a switch and “Want to work things out.” His untreated mental health issues made me feel like I was going crazy.
I told him, “You just ruined MY Mother’s Day with MY daughter. “
I was constantly put down and allowed it. I allowed Daughter to see that. I allowed her to see me get too angry. I just let the scum violate more and more and she saw it. I was the one making her cry again and I hated it. I made this fuckface more important than myself & my daughter.
The monster in my nightmares would tell me how he would manipulate and take advantage of others. How he was once with an older woman, but was mad at her, so he slept with her daughter that age. I never let him alone around mine, but after that, I just kept seeing the red flags I was ignoring because I wanted to be happy. This wasn’t my happy.
Then after three weeks, I was fed up with fights being forced on me. I tried to kick him out of MY house, it was hell. As I drove while getting threats screamed at me, refusal to get out of the car, when I pulled over, then accusations of “kidnapping” when I tried to get this fungus as far away from me, as I could. The police were called on me & lies told about me for just trying to get this person away from me. I have never had anyone call the police on me. I was told I put my Daughter in danger (Result of another incident, where I was sitting doing nothing and I would get screamed at by a piece of shit driving MY car.) I do everything I can to keep her safe.
During this painful car ride, I didn’t know what to do, so while he was on the phone with emergency dispatch, pausing to yell at me, I called the last person that I had a text from, BA. I told her “I’m not sure what to do, but I need someone to hear what I’m going through.” She stayed on the phone with me until I asked her to call my parents, while I tried to get far away from this monster as fast as I possibly could. Barefoot.
I was so tired of being near him & him telling me I’m going to jail, I got out of my car, just to stand in wait for law enforcement. He followed me, like he always did, never giving me space to even think without an intrusion. So, even though I was barefoot, I started walking, towards the way I knew the officer would be arriving from. I called dispatch to let them know what I was doing & the officer later told me, seeing me walk away from the obnoxious boy & the situation barefoot was a sign in my favor. I was like “Yeah, I don’t want to be near him.”
I walked as far away as I could, barefeet on the asphalt because I wanted him gone so bad, I didn’t care about anything else at that moment.
I sat on the railing when the county sheriff, pulled up. After telling the officer my side, he took me to my car & heard undoubted lies about me. I was allowed to drive my car home, but later that night, a fist pounding my window, I realized I was dealing with a mental case.
I didn’t know what to do, I was scared. Instead of calling the police, I stayed silent, only to wake up the next morning, open my front door & have him there. I slammed the door & then I found my voice & called law enforcement. The piece of shit is still homeless, roaming the streets, putting his family & other women through the evil that he is.
I was asked why I didn’t call people. People who didn’t come straight over to see if I was ok after hearing of the ordeal. People who let me stride tall, but shakingly into the courthouse alone, as I fought for my life back in the form of a useless piece of paper called a restraining order. People who knew the restraining order had no effect on this guy, having already broken it 50+ times. People who knew I had been threatened a few times if I went to that hearing, but allowed me to still be at the stand with nobody but strangers at my back. People who promised me they would give me protection, but I am still empty handed.
Then, afterwards guy friends heard of my trauma, even after they knew the thought of sex disgusted me, they still felt entitled to send dick pics or porn. Not asking how I was, not seeing if it was ok. I even had one of those guys, when I was jokingly messing with him try to act like he was putting a boundary up with me, acting like he didn’t cross any.
So no, I will not fucking be quiet and I will fight because I know now I want to be alive. I want to fight for those who don’t feel like they can fight for themselves, those who feel alone.
I will fight for myself, by myself if I have to, like I’ve always done.
Don’t ask me why I didn’t call you, I’ve never been able to depend on you to protect me, when you preferred that I was quiet and complacent. You either were the abuser, or you let it happen. Kids had to grow up too early because their childhood wasn’t allowed. I still have promises broken, why would I trust you?
So, yes I am fighting back & will continue to fight back because I will no longer cloak who I am or bite my tongue for someone else’s comfort.
I grew up with parents I couldn’t always depend on, but now my daughter & nephews have grandparents that would do anything to make them happy. I see the love the kids have for them & the love they have for us all, still trying their best. I love my parents and I know they did their best. I love the time we spend together. Parenting is fucking hard, but never teach your kids to just allow someone to push their boundaries without fighting back.
I’m DONE with guys getting mad at me just because I want to make out, not fuck, then they get upset or push sex. YOU are not entitled to MY body, unless I allow it, regardless of who you are to me.
I know there’s a chance of hurt feelings over this, I won’t apologize because this isn’t about you, so don’t make it that way. Realize this is about me. This is about me teaching Daughter to stand tall, so nobody treats her the way I allowed for so long. This is about me hopefully reaching out to enough people to make some sort of difference.
Time to tell YOUR SURVIVOR STORY. Do not be silenced anymore, call out the abusers. Make them feel shame, as they should. Please comment your story below, if you want to be anonymous, please send me a message & I would happily share your story.
My mom is the reason love the little things, dessert, & I have compassion.
My Dad is Not!
My dad is the reason I stand my ground in many ways & I don’t take any shit from anyone.
My whole family is the reason I love to read.
My Grammy is the reason I love to laugh & eat chocolate.
My Grampy is the reason I love to hear stories & eat ice cream.
My Grandparents are my calm, & the reason I like to slow down.
My Daughter is the reason I want to be a strong, but happy and loving woman.
My brother is the reason I want to protect & be protected.
My sister in law is the reason I’m no longer ashamed about my mental illnesses, or think that I go through things alone.
LYD is the reason I am strong. Her husband makes the best version of my favorite comfort food.
VOR is the reason I have empathy & openness in understanding the whole picture. She’s also the reason I’m gaining confidence. Her husband is one of the very few guys I can count on, if I needed to.
ND is the reason I am loyal. Hubby is the reason I raised my standards on men.
My Daughter, my nieces & nephews are the reason I want to make the world a better place, even if its just their world.
BRN & HS are the people that probably know how my brain works more than most.
MSSS is the reason I want to be happy. Who gives a fuck what other people think?
PB taught me to not be so defensive, when someone is trying to talk to me
My people help make me who I am. This is why I am only attached to a few & I hurt when I lose someone.
They help me stay on track.
They are my foundation, but I am my structure. They help build what I am, I keep myself standing tall.
I may seem unappreciative, but its me going through my own things. Trying to find out who I am and what makes me, me. I don’t overlook the things that people do for me, but I am done allowing myself to be treated bad. I am done trying to be tamed because, as much to my sweet moms dismay, I am a Wild Thing.
Yeah, that happened, I was taking a shower when the Blue Roots Grape Ape Indica preroll, hit me like a fucking train. One minute, I was singing and dancing, while washing my hair and body, the next I had to focus to stand & dry my body off.
I was trying to have a productive day, I worked a half day, then was going to call my Grandparents, smoke, shower, & I had errands to run. Well I smoked, showered, & called Grandparents, but I sure as hell am not going anywhere, right now! That shit rocks! Almost too good, its definitely a before bed smoke for me.
Its a Beautiful day & after having a Disaster day yesterday, I fucking NEEDED a good day. Fucking A, the thing with depression is, it hits unexpectedly. You could have everything going right, but then there’s a day when everything went wrong & yesterday was it. I snapped after I went in the freezer to get one fucking thing & a bowl dropped and broke, the flour dropped & spilled. I looked at it and just fucking left it. I just get so tired of feeling like I have to do everything alone. I get overwhelmed so easily, at times & everything seems to pile on. When I feel like shit, I turn into a big baby & want everything done for me, so I’m extra dramatic.
Later that night, I cried to my cuz BRN, who listened & understood, & sent me an article that really helped.The article: Run The Dishwasher Twice talks about how a therapist tells a patient that is overwhelmed with all of the housework & battling their depression, to run the dishwasher twice, 3 times if they need to. It really resonated with me. I’m always telling myself and others, “One thing at a time.”
If you have to do chores your own way because of your mental illness, you’re tired, or whatever reason, that’s ok. Just do one thing at a time if you need to, whenever you’re feeling up for it. I promise you, soon enough, you’ll look up and be like “Holy shit, my house is actually clean.” It may even be just be a room and that’s ok too.
So, after talking to BRN last night, I did one chore at a time, until bed time. I would watch a movie, read, or take a nap because I am still sick. Whenever I would feel like it, I’d pick up something I spilled, throw something away, or do one chore that needed done.
One Thing At A Time.
Then, this morning, I had time because I ended up working from home again, so I had about 45 minutes before I had to start work. So, I put the dishes from the dishwasher away. Then, on my 10 minute break, I loaded the dishwasher. Then before you know it, I’m clocked out for lunch & my kitchen, living room, & room are all clean.
Just because while I’ve been sick, I’ve been doing one thing at a time.
I even felt decent enough to do a small workout, as I work myself back to the point I was at, before I got sick. I feel like it’s a slow progression, but I also feel like I have to listen to my body, so I don’t over do anything & hurt myself.
The difference between today & yesterday’s mindset is substantial. I am working hard to make my bad days fewer than the good & the good days between the bad further. However, this most recent time was because I had someone tell me, “Its ok!” Its ok to feel like shit & not want to do anything. Its ok to run the dishwasher twice. Its ok to do whatever I have to do to make sure I am ok too.
So I’m telling you, its ok to do One Thing At A Time, or run that damn dishwasher twice. Do whatever you need to do for your well-being, both mentally & physically.
So, I want to talk depression, I’m lit off of Artizen Critical Mass, I’m not sure if there will be triggers, or not, I’m just going to smoke and let the words flow. If something triggers someone in a negative way, while reading ANY of my posts, I’m genuinely sorry. It’s never my intention to hurt, just to heal.
Disclaimer: Right now, I am not currently depressed and aside from one or two “funk” days, I am actually doing really well mentally and I am only working on making the bad days fewer. I did come across a post about someone being depressed, that made me start this article. You can read the original post Here.
Depression is a very touchy subject to me, not only suffering with it, but witnessing people I care about with it, & having my cousin Angie commit suicide, by hanging herself. You can read Angie’s Poem by clicking the hyperlink. (Once Elle, blogger from Unpopular Opinions showed me how to link in an article, I’m linking everything!!)
Unfortunately, men & women who suffer with depression think its a taboo subject. They don’t reach out when they need to and they wait too long to get help when they need it. Fear of rejection, not being “perfect” or being alone makes many hide their true minds obstacles.
Aren’t we all HUMAN? Isn’t humanity based on the ability to FEEL? Not only the good, but the bad too? The thing is, we are more resilient than we think. We underestimate how much we can handle & all of the fires we can walk through. Feeling “different,” whether its depressed, anxious, or even to the point of giving up, its normal.
Its not our fault for having to take medication all our lives, just to be able to not cover the sadness with anger. As my Beautiful SIL, an RN, tells me, its a chemical imbalance in our brain, it’s nothing we can control all of the time…..
…All of the time.
There are the times we can do everything we can to get ourselves and our loved ones out of this mental Hell. Yet, there are times it doesn’t work and we need outside help. Then, there are times when just sitting outside smoking a blunt, reflecting and enjoying a nice, peaceful day is the thing that gets you out of your own head. Sometimes, its being around the people you love. Sometimes, its breaking down to speak with a professional.
EVERY fucking time, we are able to get through it. Every. Fucking. Time.
We need to realize this. My advice is have a list, whether it’s mental, or an actual written list, full of things to help us when we are in that space. Who gives a fuck is a Christmas Tree is up around Halloween? If it makes you happy, then fucking do it! Pull out that list and just do things that make YOU happy.
When you’re feeling helpless, alone, or even if you’re thinking on ending things, even if it is a quick thought, do what YOU need to do to make YOU happy. Who gives a fuck about anyone else in that moment. YOU matter too and yes, you have to put yourself and your happiness first, at times.
I’ve been there, been at the lowest of all lows, alone. All those people who’s happiness I focused on before mine, they weren’t there. They didn’t pull the blade out of my hand. They didn’t fucking keep me from sliding it across my skin. They didn’t hold me, or dry my tears, when I just wanted to give it all up. They weren’t there when I wanted to end it all, just knowing that the world would be a better place without me.
They weren’t there, but I was. I clawed and crawled myself out of my deepest, darkest pits of my own hell.
Does this mean to be selfish all of the time & make yourself priority all of the time? Fuck no! We need to spread our love to everyone, they need it as bad as we do. I’m just saying, we need to put ourselves first, too.
Yes, I was stubborn as hell & I never asked for help at times I should have. That’s on me. I know that I have people who love me, who look up to me for guidance, or who respect my opinion on important matters. They would be there, as soon as they could, if I needed them. Nobody should ever wait to get to a point that you can’t come back from. I am not saying don’t reach out to your people or keep them informed about what’s going on.
I am saying, sometimes they can’t always be there, right when you need it and its ok!!! That doesn’t mean they don’t love you.
This is where the artillery of things to pull yourself out and keep yourself out of the darkness, until you’re better comes around. It “doesn’t have to make sense to others.” Like the meme I posted earlier today on the Beautiful Disaster Lit Facebook page.
Here are some things I do when I’m down (the list can be infinite, if you want it to be):
I go get ice cream, even if I don’t need it.
I go outside, smoke, reflect, and find comfort in the sky.
I binge watch TV.
I don’t look at my phone for a while.
I eat yummy food and I don’t think about my weight.
I set goals.
I go for a drive.
I go for a walk.
I do girly shit, like take a bubble bath, with a pore cleansing mask on, smoking a blunt, shaving my legs.
I turn whatever music I am in the mood for up as loud as I want.
I clean.. not because I like it, but because I remember being too depressed to.
Tell me what your treasure box of happy feelings holds? When do you find that you need it the most?
Do you guys ever have a one night stand that you know will only last one night, but they knew their shit so well that you’re sad its only a night? Like damn, can’t I just have a few orgasms before we stop?
Then I just think, I’m grateful that I am no longer the type of person. I stopped looking for company in casual flings. I stopped allowing guys to treat me like shit, just for the chance of some on call, mediocre dick. I no longer stay around people when just being around them gives me anxiety. I value mine and my daughters peace and make it a priority.
Today, on Thanksgiving, I am writing what I am grateful for. I understand for a lot, it may be a painful memory, rightfully so, but for me, it’s enjoying food, family, and games. Its a house full of people that I sometimes need a break from because I feel overwhelmed, but I know they’ll always be there. Its my plate full of mashed potatoes and gravy, rolls, deviled eggs that I probably put way too much garlic in. Like always.
I am trying to focus on what I am grateful for, I am trying to be patient, & humble. I am done focusing on all of the negative. I am alive, my daughter is happy and healthy, my family is fairly healthy. Even though I am not spending today with anyone, but the animals, I am still thankful that I have my home.
Its warm, its home, & its safe. I am thankful that I have an excuse to rest & binge watch feel good movies all day, then fall asleep to murder podcasts at night. Balance the Beautiful Disaster Lit way. Even though, I miss Daughter like crazy and no holiday is the same without her, I am blessed that she’s able to enjoy the holiday in a safe place. I am so glad she calls our place home and she wants to be here, but its nice not having much to worry about.
I am grateful to finally work at a company where I feel like I am making a difference, a company that values me and my hard work and cares about my community, including those I work with, and myself. I am so blessed that even though it was tough at first, I love my job and my team. I take pride in how hard we all work & how for the most part, we keep our office running smoothly.
I appreciate the fact that I am no longer in the negative head space that I’ve found myself in many times, holding a solo pity party because of something or someone I didn’t have, instead of seeing everything that I do have and that I’ve worked hard to get and keep. I am finding my balance of not being stuck where I’m lacking and just enjoying every moment that I can, for what it is.
Yes, depression and anxiety still makes me want to curl in a ball and have someone that isn’t furry & four legged to hold me. That’s when I try harder to distract myself, or list the many things that I have going for me. I am still working on being patient, humble, grateful, & kind, but I am still human & long for companionship. However, I have many people that care about me, just because its not the companionship I am wanting, doesn’t mean its not there.
Just because I don’t see everything my people do to show they care, doesn’t mean they don’t. I have found that there are so many different ways that people show they care and just like I want them to learn my love language, I need to learn theirs and see it for what it is. I need to be appreciative that someone is there.
I have love and support in many different people & without each one of them, I wouldn’t have had the guts to continue my writing and to keep moving forward.
Actually, that’s a fucking lie, I’m a strong badass & can get through anything I put my mind to, on my own, but I am so goddamn lucky that I don’t have to.
So, I’m going to spend the remainder of the year forgiving (even if its myself) moving forward (even if its slowly) & showing grace & gratitude. (Even if I lose patience or get annoyed.)
Name it, what are you grateful for this year? What are you going to do to finish the year off with a grateful heart?
On a night when I have someone on my mind and I’m trying to not think of them, frustrated at the current outcome, I see this picture. I’m drawn to it, then I see the title. Patience.
Something I am finding it harder & harder to be and have, the harder I try to have it. I honestly am thinking I just never received the patience gene & its a lost cause. I sometimes wish I could shut my mind and my overthinking off, just live in the moment, or be able to distract my mind from him, work, parenting, adulting, the infinite pinball machine in my brain, never shutting off. I wish I could be like others and sleep, or trust, or THINK normally. I wish I didn’t dwell on stupid shit. I wish I had only one thought at a time.
I just don’t know how, besides weed and even then, it doesn’t always work. It’s draining, having to make every fucking decision, having to deal with every fucking thing alone, having to force yourself into not thinking “Its because I’m not good enough.” Sometimes, being the strong one isn’t all that its made out to be.
Sometimes its a constant headache when you try to focus. Sometimes it people judging you because you don’t cry, or you bail on things that were planned for a while. Sometimes its losing friends because of it, sometimes its gaining friends with those who show you patience. I never know if any decisions I make are right or wrong. I go over and over and over in my brain every scenario to try to make the right decisions. Sometimes, its just too damn exhausting, that I stop trying.
Its hard for me to be patient because I’m just tired. I want something to go easy for me for once.
Then I think of the Daughter who has been fairly easy since the day she was born. I think of the friend who brings me soup & medicine when I’m sick. I think of all of the friends who I have built relationships with over the years. I think of how long it took me to move into a house that is still my comfort on rough days. I think of being in minor accidents & being ok.
I realize what God has been trying to make me see all along. (Lord, you made me oblivious, blame yourself) Most things worth having and keeping are worth it not being easy. Treasured friendships, where even though you’ve known them since Kindygarten, (ND) you’re still learning something new about them all of the time. The relationships that you never thought you would have, but somehow you just click, there’s no explanation, you just click.
Sometimes, those people are even only temporary, but sometimes with many bumps & bruises, those people come into your life and stay a long time. They help you when you least expect it, you find yourself jumping to call them when you feel they need you. You find yourself needing them and not realizing it, or why. That type of trust and loyalty, usually takes years to build. Even longer when one or both parties have been burned before.
Then there are those moments that you realize, THIS was worth waiting for. This was worth all of that hard work, determination, blood, sweat, tears, being pissed off, ready to call it quits every 5 seconds. This is it… this is exactly what I fought for. This is why I studied for the test, this is why I applied for that job, this is why I had two jobs on occasion, this is why I held back, as I read and observed a situation.
Then what you were so patient for, you now can say that you’re grateful for. You have what you worked so hard for and you’re going to continue to work hard to keep it.
So readers, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, tell me some things you are grateful for that you have been patient with.
I was very excited that Elle agreed to work with me. She’s been a supporter from the beginning and the first blogger to show continued support. Even though I’ve never met her, I admire the talented person she is. I love reading her blog & learning more about her. She’s patient and answers many of my amateur blog questions. Please follow her blog!
Elle will be covering topics of Why Finding Yourself is Important & Whats it Mean to Find Yourself. I will be providing one of a kind Beautiful Disaster Lit tips on Finding Yourself & Benefits Achieved When Finding Oneself. We will each give a little take on what finding yourself means to us.
I am smoking local favorite No Label Farms Wedding Crasher, as I compile tonight’s articles. First, I need to clarify, I am NOT an expert on finding oneself, I am still fucking figuring shit out, but I think it’s extremely important. Who wants to live life every day, hating themselves? We literally spend the most time, with ourselves.
Tips On Finding Yourself
Find stuff that you enjoy doing alone. If you’re not sure what it is, try new things until you do, but make it something productive. I say this because me being on an online dating site, or scrolling mindlessly through Facebook for hours are not things that add to my quality of life. Reading, writing, being active, & spending time with Daughter & my other people are some things I am doing to replace toxic habits. People more talented than I, have done crafty things, crochet, art, or found a hobby to enjoy.
I believe that being able to like doing something alone you won’t get stuck in your own head and you can find out who you really are. Maybe, you’re not an anxious overthinker like I am and don’t have to worry about being stuck in your own head. You can appreciate your alone time, but can also find other like minded individuals to enjoy spending time with.
On the other hand, find your triggers. Find what upsets you or who pisses you off and AVOID IT!!!
I know, easier said than done.
Knowing what adds to the good and how to avoid or work with the bad, is pertinent to finding yourself. I know I get anxious, especially around people I don’t know. I try to have one of my people nearby, smoke, or even step away by myself for a little bit, so that I can find my calm. I know when I see my depression demon surface, I need to reach out to people who love me and not try to “tough it out” or else, it just ends up worse. I have learned that if I get angry or upset, it is best for me to step away from the situation & come back when I’m more level headed.
Being aware of these things are crucial in finding yourself, that way you can make the good times fucking awesome & the bad times are only a tiny bump in the road.
Benefits You Can Achieve, When You Find Yourself
Knowing who you are and what you’ll allow, or not
Having the confidence to speak your truth, regardless of others
You’re not worried about losing someone that doesn’t add some type of positivity to your life
You know what you’re good at & what you want to work on.
You already know the type of person you want to be & you’re working toward the end game
Your happiness and confidence radiates to those around you and can be contagious
Being alone doesn’t mean being lonely
You only spend time with good people & you are strong enough to cut out the bad
You’re not toxic to others
Others enjoy your company
You know you’re being a good influence to those looking up to you
Most importantly you are able to become the best version of YOU. Beautiful, Unique, & Powerful You.
I have pretty much covered what finding myself means to me, in the other parts of my article. Its definitely consciously doing the work DAILY making progress little by little. Some days, you just have to make it to the next. Some days you’re 100% genuine & you are proud of the person you are.
You are important and you need to see it in the way that those who love you see it. You need to love yourself the way you needed love as a kid.
Please read Elle’s portion of the article here.
I am so delighted to share with you this long-awaited collaboration with one of my favorite bloggers, Ashley of Beautiful Disaster Lit blog. Ashley is one of the most authentic bloggers I truthfully admire, and who writes strongly about what she believes in. Do check out her blog here!
Smoking to some local strain, and listening to Lauv’s I Like Me Better this night, I am writing about Finding Yourself. To tell you honestly, I got nothing at first. But one day, during this one meditation period, I kind of surprisingly asked myself “What is my purpose?” And believe me or not, this one question got me typing this whole post for weeks.
Aristotle says, “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” Knowing who we are, what we’re here for, is undeniably one of the significant factors that primarily drive us to get up every day and manage to do the things we ought to do. I’ve even read this good article that suggests finding yourself is an “unselfish process”, despite mistakenly relating it to selfishness or self-indulgence, that serves as the purpose of everything we do in life.
Well, this seems like such a big deal which can greatly affect our lives, so why don’t we learn more about it as we go along, shall we? We hope this post gives you a different, more profound understanding of what finding oneself means. We wish that in the time needed you will again remind yourself about this.
What does it mean about “Finding Yourself”
I remember watching Eat. Pray. Love. A film starring Julia Roberts. In this film, she travels the world in search of her, I guess, “true purpose” in life. Her friends didn’t know exactly what she wanted and neither did she at first. And yeah, it’s kind of hard to explain to someone how you wake up and feel nothing. How you feel like you don’t really know why you get up for the day, not even for yourself or for anyone else either. Lastly, it’s hard to explain the reason why you’re lacking those things; your full involvement, commitment, and passion in everything you do in life
Elizabeth Gilbert felt like the path laid out to her in life was not what she really wanted, and so she went to travel the world to hopefully get some answers.
It’s kind of weird when you say you have to find yourself because, well, you’re here. You were never lost. Sometimes we just forget who we are. On other days, we forget to even think about who we are.
People were always goal-oriented. We focus more on who we want to be when we grow up rather than focusing on who we really are right now.
That’s why when we grow up, it’s kind of like the question that makes us go, “Oh shi*t!” and we realize we have absolutely no clue about it. Well, there’s no need to panic. It’s one question one can’t really answer by just using 3 to 5 sentences. But we hope that this blog post can. *wink*
I think not all people know what discovering one’s self fully means and the depths of where it would take us. Not all realize that we will go a long way in life when we know who we are, what we desire, and what we can offer.
I’ve learned that finding yourself isn’t just a simple question with a simple answer. It’s a continuous journey of learning and unlearning; a discovery story of yourself that involves a lot of essential keys in life such as acceptance, compassion, and introspection. A process of self-awareness, self-discovery, and self-purpose.
In an article, Erika Martinez, a psychologist, says, “I see [finding yourself] as cultivating a deep understanding of yourself—what’s important to you, what motivates you, why you respond and react as you do, and your values.” Additionally, she says that finding oneself is the same as accepting who you have become as a person, which manifests as a peaceful feeling with yourself.
This journey comes, of course, with time and effort.
I personally see finding yourself means returning back to who you truly are, alone, defying all cultural standards, beliefs, and your own limits of thoughts including that voice in your head that tells you you can’t do it. Finding yourself is your unlearning of things. Emancipation. Letting go of unhelpful behaviors, ideas, and dogma that do not anymore reflect your purpose and principles. It’s your true self behind your doubts and regrets.
It’s remembering yourself when you’ve made mistakes–remembering that you are not your mistakes, more importantly. It’s the continuous anchoring of yourself to your soul– to your purpose.
Finding yourself is also learning who you want to be and what your values are in life. Establishing new and better habits while letting go of old unnecessary ones.
To put it simply, who you are is a complex of things. A lot of things. You are a handful, my friend. Everyone is. If you want to know about it, maybe you can start by recognizing who you are not.
“You are not what you feel, for feelings don’t stay too long.
You are not what you think, because the mind can always do wrong.
You are who you are when you’re alone, sitting, unwavering and untamed, and learning that the things that you want in life do not involve any kind of attachments to other things–only to you and you alone.”
Why finding yourself is important
Humans are ever-changing. You are ever-changing. It’s impossible to continuously grow and still remember all our roots along the process. One way or another, we forget some along the way. We forget who we are.
Refreshers are needed from time to time, deep contemplations, and self-assessments. It’s important that we constantly make an effort to remember our purpose and what we believe in life. Without it, we’re basically Julia Roberts.
It’s important because regret is everything–It takes up our whole life. Although people learn more about themselves as they grow up, we don’t want to be one of those who thought were living their lives fully but kept insisting that something’s missing.
We don’t want to stay ignorant about this matter if we know we could be better. It’s the reason why we should take some time aside in our lives– no matter how busy we are and drowned with problems– to do ways that help us with our self-discovery journey.
Eventually, things will fall into place and you can go a long way once you’ve learned your full potential as a being. A state where you are confident with who you are, what you can do, and what you believe in.
When you’re curvy like me, but want to lose the weight, you’ve got to do the work.
Granted, my weight loss was kickstarted by dropping 23 lbs with a psycho ex that stressed me out so much, I didn’t want to eat and if I ate, it would come back out, one way or another. My jaw was constantly clenched because I guess that’s how I deal with stress & not crying, or flying off the handle. I lost interest in quite a few things that I enjoyed before, but I am finding the new me & gaining interest in other things. Trying to put my focus in making the better me.
In July, I began to slowly work out & each week, I added a little more. My lack of appetite has turned more into, cutting back portions. Instead of 4 pieces of pizza, I have 2 and so on. I still deal with occasional stomach issues, but not as bad. I’ve been consulting with my Dr and in October, he agreed to put me on a 3 month prescription of Phentermine. Last time I was on it, I only lost 12 lbs total. I have a better game plan this time.
My Dr. was really happy with what I had already been doing & is supportive of the plans I have to get to my goal weight. He knows I smoke weed & warned me to not get sluggish. I told him that I think its actually helping with my energy more and I’ve been on it this whole 32 lbs that I’ve lost and he said to keep up the work I am doing & keep being productive. I had to give him a look when he told me about putting “foreign” things in my body because he knows the list of meds I take because he’s prescribed half of them.
My blood pressure was still as good as ever (last time I was on Phentermine, it got almost to the point where it was concerning) and I’m officially no longer in the MORBIDLY obese category. Just obese, but I’m still beautiful. I just am making changes to be happier. I even discussed with my Dr what I will need to do when I plateau because I know myself. I know that if I don’t see the numbers move down, I will stress about it and beat myself up, instead of being happy with where I am. I will throw a stupid temper tantrum and give up because “whats the use?” I work hard and I’m not seeing it in the numbers. I need to realize, I am seeing it in my clothes, I am seeing it in my mood, I even see it when I look in the mirror.
I still have chronic back and hip pain, especially during work, when I refuse to be stoned, but I am getting referred to a Physical Therapist. (I told my physician, I prefer women, I still have anxiety with men) I told him the last thing I want to do is be hooked on meds or taking more meds, so I want to try every avenue possible before I get there. Don’t get me wrong, I think there’s benefit to a lot of medication, depending on the person, my anxiety pills are proof, but if I can do something to not be in constant pain, be healthier, & not have a chance to get addicted to something, I’ll take that route. Everyone has different things that work best for them.
People have asked what I’ve done differently and although I try to keep things quiet, just in case I stop being active regularly, nobody knows the difference. However, I need to hold myself accountable and I have been transparent with my readers to this point, I don’t want to stop. If I can help anyone else be motivated to live their best life, be happier, & healthier, whether its mentally or physically, I say it’s a success.
July, I started hiking a small hike once a week. Its way too fucking cold to do that now, so I haven’t done that in a couple months. Then I would add little things week by week & try to work out five times a week. I would also walk on my lunches, most days. Sadly, I will have to find what I can do do replace that because of cold ass weather & gyms that I never go to being closed. I was advised 30 minutes 5 times a week is a good consistency for me.
Please do not do anything without talking to your Dr. Everyone is different & has different tolerances, or different hindrances, working out should be based on the unique body type.
Currently, here is the workout I do 4-5 times a week and I add a little more each week. Its a quick 10 minutes, but it’s hard work for a curvy girl like me! You can always add to personalize it & make it the best workout for you.
1 1/2 minute plank (I’ve been stuck here for a while, so I add things to the other parts, but I started at 30 seconds.
50 Jumping Jacks
40 squats while raising 3lb weights for each squat
50 bicycle crunches
10 leg lifty things that Jillian Michael’s says will help me lose my pooch on her 30 Day Shred video that I haven’t watched in years. I hate her, but I love her lol.
10 lunges with the weights
When I did this routine a long time ago, I would do two sets….and dropped weight fast.
Fuck. That. Shit!
Just kidding. Its an eventual goal, but not yet.
So let’s hear your tips and tricks of being active, healthy, & happy! I need to hear what people do in the winter because I don’t want to see my winter blues this year.
While on another long hold on a work phone call, scrolling through FB, I silently yelled at myself, “Fuckin’ be productive!” and I started writing. I haven’t been putting much energy into my writing, as I’ve wanted to. I need to start taking the time I use to “scroll” or any other mundane thing & be productive, write, exercise, or even read a book.
Granted, it is ok to scroll & occasionally do mundane tasks, but is life really worth living if its not fulfilled? What are you going to remember down the road, one FB post of many, or how you just did something for you?
I had a few people reach out to me, regarding my last article, which was very appreciated. However, I wasn’t trying to use it to attack anyone or be bitter. I am moving on with myself, I am happy, you can be down for the ride, or not. I’m no longer waiting for anyone or wearing myself out constantly checking up on people who don’t do the same.
I’ve spent my whole life not feeling good enough & I am incredibly hard on myself because of it, but you know what? I AM good enough. So Are You! One of my favorite quotes “Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.” There are people who love you just the way you are, stop wasting your time with people who act like its a chore to just come see you.
Just don’t forget your people, either. I am trying to find a center point, where I am appreciative of what is done for me, but I’m not going to be an excited puppy over miniscule amount of attention, when someone is absent the majority of the time. I will not jump for one bit of affection or friendship that is only reciprocated on their time. That’s bullshit.
I am not needy or demanding for expecting the same effort that I give. I am not a bitch for cutting someone out because its not there. I had someone once tell me, “Your news feed looks different than mine.” As an excuse for not seeing certain blog related things. My response should have been, “No, its not. I just actually take the time to find your things & show support.”
My articles really don’t take that much time to read, I get it if it is not everyone’s thing, but if I support someone, I absolutely want to see my dreams supported. You make time for what you want to make time for. I’m done with everyone fucking excuses & I’m over allowing it.
Make your excuses, but watch my fine ass walk away & not look back.
Idk how the world became so cruel. Idk what started women being vicious to one another, instead of empowering each other. Why the fuck did our bitterness turn men against women & vice versa. Not one person is the exact same, as the other. Yes, we can take the lessons we learned and apply them to future relationships, or friendships, but let’s stop fucking blaming everyone of the opposite sex for past hurts.
Yes, I am talking to myself just as much as everyone else.
Yesterday, I was in a bad funk, feeling down on myself, but unsure why. I have been doing so well with keeping a positive mindset & just being generally happy. Yesterday, I just couldn’t figure it out and the lack of sleep and not feeling well didn’t make it better.
I had a dear friend & one of my goddaughters stop by & it just made me feel so uplifted & the funk was gone. We talked for hours & although my friend never says a bad word about me & I can literally brutally murder someone & she will find a way to have my back, justifying it, she made me realize I don’t have to be apologetic for being myself. Granted, murdering someone won’t ever happen, but she just has that type of loyalty. I always tell her she’s biased & her opinion doesn’t count, but why shouldn’t it?
Why shouldn’t those who love you the most & have gone through years of loving you be right about their opinions about you? They know you, they know the bad and the good & they still love you, just like you do them. So why the fuck can’t we love ourselves like we do our closest people & like they love us?
Damn right, if I am asked to be somewhere important, or just be somewhere & I say I’m going to go, I usually am there. I jump when a friend says they’re down, just because I hate the feeling & I don’t want anyone to feel that. Yes, anxiety, insomnia, & depression sometimes are too overwhelming & I have to change plans, but I try to push through it all, as much as I can. Smoking has helped immensely. Some days, it’s all I can do to put on the smile that everyone wants to see.
I’m no longer doing that for everyone. I’m no longer going to give something my all without getting something in return. I do not ask for much, but if its too much for you sit down with me and have a conversation just for a little bit, then anything regarding you is too much for me. I’m done feeling like a burden when people should appreciate me in their lives.
You should be done feeling like a burden too. I want to know what steps you take to keep the respect & how do you know which relationships to keep & which to just let slide?
The other weekend, I got out of town & drove to Homedale, ID. That Sunday morning I sat looking at the snowcapped hills, hating that I had to leave. Home isn’t the same anymore. I keep thinking back on the past year glad to be alive & I think of the people who have stepped up, when I needed it the most & sadly, the people who haven’t. Its not a “I’m doing this for you for something in return” Its “I’m doing this and being here for you because I love you and you do the same for me.”
A year ago, I was so self destructive and in a dark depression, I didn’t care what happened to me, as long as nothing happened to Daughter. I am almost surprised I survived. I purposely made bad decisions because I was just tired of feeling.
Six months ago, I let in a psycho that reminded me of all of the murder shows & podcasts that I regularly play. Those who know me personally, know that I do not normally dramatize things. This was a psycho that told me his family thinks he killed other family members. He also has many things on his record. I didn’t know if he was crazy enough to do the things he threatened after I broke up with him. Now, I realize he’s a pathetic chicken shit that tries to threaten people & uses things against them to guilt them into letting him do what he wants, so he can take advantage of anyone & everyone stupid enough to deal with him.
I’m over one sided relationships with anyone. I’m over those who act like friends, but aren’t. Those who disregard things I say or feel because its not how they feel or think. I’m pissed that I have had to depend on myself a lot more than I should, which has made me the strong badass that I am. I just shouldn’t have had to in some cases. I shouldn’t have to ask for someone to be there for me, when I needed them the most.
I fucking pay attention, as much as I can. I’m definitely not perfect and I forget shit constantly, but I am good at showing people I care. I’m good at running myself dry to be there because I know it would mean something to someone and I want to be there when I can. I’m done expecting the same from people, if I don’t get the love returned, I’m guna distance myself.
I have to do this for me. I have to do this for my happiness. I have to do this to be a good mom. I’ve gotta show Daughter how to treat people and to keep your people that are there for you close. I am also re-learning how I react to thing and people, instead of fighting, I am just done. The important ones will notice.
I shouldn’t have had to go to a restraining order hearing by myself, especially being physically threatened over multiple text & voicemails to calls I’d never answer, even if I didn’t ask people to show, many people knew the date. Not one offered to be there for me. Nobody.
Thats not all on them, I’ve been known to refuse help. However, I am honestly just in shock that even though people knew about the threats, knew about crazy ass coming to my house the night shit hit the fan & I was done. He stayed outside all night because I wouldn’t let him in and I ended up having to call LE to come pick his homeless leach ass up. People knew & still I stood in front of the judge alone.
People who really know me, know I can handle a lot on my own, I thrive to be a strong woman, but walking from the car to the courthouse by myself was a new type of lonely. Trying to look in every direction, expecting the piece of shit to jump out. Shaking, while standing in front of the judge, glad I never saw the ex, but expected to hear his voice over the phone line that people can call in to if they can’t physically make the hearing. I just waited, alone for his yelling, his lies, & arguing. Thank God the phone stayed silent & I am safe. My jaw clenched the whole time, trying to not show how scared I really was, I really wanted someone to be there & I was standing there alone.
This is why I am putting ME first & of course those who have proven to be there. This is why I will be there for those who need me, but I am done continuously being the first one to reach out, or make effort. This is why I need to focus on my own success & happiness before anyone else’s.
I’m not bitter, I am sad and I am working on not dwelling on things that have hurt me, but still allow myself to feel the hurt and heal from it. It is exhausting some days to focus on all I need to do, but I hope in the end, it will all be worth it.
Tell me what you do to make yourself a priority. What steps help you not dwell on the self absorbed people in your life and how do you treat them?
1. Tell me your story & what got you into your many forms of creativity? I had my friend Cher say recently “you are by far one of the most curious souls I’ve encountered”. So many things enthrall me. I grew up in a poor family with parents who were creators. We made things with whatever was around. I once build a pony cart out of my Grandfather’s WW2 acetyling tank, some pine poles, and scrap metal. I wove chair seats out of bailing twine. It seemed natural to do that. I want to know how things work. I’m endlessly entertained by the question “If I try it THIS way, what will happen?” It’s ok to have unexpected results or failures. Observe, regroup, and try again
2. I’ve noticed that you have many styles of art, do you have a favorite? I have phases and things that I revisit cyclically. Current art style that has my attention is digital creation. I learned how to make digital art when quarantine started and find that it suits me. I like all kinds of mixed media also
3. You have some pretty huge statement pieces, I’m inspired & I admire the no fucks attitude. How do you have the tits to make art that can cause some possible, for lack of better word, haters? What you are seeing here is a unity of my art and activism. The beliefs I have I came to after long introspection. They reflect my personal truth. I am who I am no matter where I am or who I am with. That is a kind of whole-life honesty. I don’t have the patience for false facades and I am disinterested in toning myself down to suit others. I try to temper the blatant honesty with a compassionate intent to show people another viewpoint. I’m not attached to the idea that anyone has to agree with me. The truer I am to my deep passions and truths the more people respond to my art. It took me a long time to realize that satisfying myself artistically attracts people
4. How do you handle criticism with your art? Not saying that you get it regularly. I do not often get criticism, no. When I do get it, I don’t struggle with it anymore. If someone doesn’t like my art I usually ask them to explain why and listen. I ask follow up questions. I like to understand people. If they can’t explain and seem to want to troll me I ask them about their day and if they want to talk about what is bothering them. If they don’t want to engage with that process I tell them thank you for your feedback and leave it at that. I make my art for me. I made all of my creative decisions with my own satisfaction in mind. If I am satisfied with it then someone else taking issue doesn’t matter much to me.
5. I loved the Halloween stickers, but as you can tell, October got away with me. Will those be available all year long? I believe Halloween is a frame of mind. 😀 Yes, those stickers are going to be in stick until they sell out at least. There is still time to get ghost Boo-ped!
6. What’s your favorite print that you’ve done? What about your favorite sticker? Oh, this is a hard question. I’m extremely pleased with how the digital impressionist painting print up. You can’t tell its digital. That was my most recent “OH WOW” when they came in the mail. Favorite sticker. Hmmm. Its funny because its so simple, but the realistic black widow spider with the clear background. I have it on my desktop monitor and it still surprises me. I have that lil jump and then I laugh. Endless amusement.
7. Skyclad Witch (shown above) is probably my favorite, even though it was hard to choose. Can you tell my readers the inspiration behind it? Don’t leave out the reason you designed the broom the way you did. (Yes I am demanding-BDL)
Yes! I was looking up reference images of witches for a drawing and my frustration with the posing bubbled over into that piece. I cringe at the idea of straddling a broom. Forcing a person to sit on a sharp and narrow item is a legit form of torture used on those accused of witchcraft during medieval times. It was called the “wooden horse” or “Spanish Donkey”. Its a tool kinksters still enjoy today. Unless they are a masochist and want it, I’m going to need my witches to have a comfier way of taking to the skies. Plus aerodynamics…
8. Do you have a Muse? The people I love the most are my muses and fortunately I love so many people. I touch the arm of my lover and see the watermelon dragon there. It hammers at my brain until the next day I find the time to make it real. That is my synesthesia in action. Physical contact and emotions have shapes and colors for me. The whole world inspires me. Unbidden by me, my mind compares shapes and textures into picture sentences that sum up to “Hey, did you know the face of a pug perfectly fits an open pomegranate?” And then I draw it. That’s how the Poma-pug came to be in all of his glorious hideousness. I am amused and satisfied to be able to show the visual language of my emotional mind to you in the things I create.
10. I know you have a Patreon & a Facebook, where else can people find your art? I guess I just answered this question above 😀 I decided last week to delete my Patreon after seeing how they treat their creators and poor customer service response to me being stuck in a tier that had Patreon deducting 11% of my patron’s contribution. I got my patrons signed up for sticker subscriptions instead so I can send them my sticky beauties monthly. I enjoy putting those packages together.
That site was just launched and does not yet have a subscription checkout option.
I take on new subscribers one-on-one. I offer $6/month for one sticker, $11/month for three, and $22/month for three stickers plus a surprise piece of art. I currently have 9 subscribers so it’s not a big-time endeavor though hopefully we are headed that way.
I accept PayPal, Venmo, & CashApp.
A note on finding inspiration:
Artists! Everyone who creates and has struggled to create….to those who want to create and dream of letting it out. On the hygiene and the process of creative inspiration and flow: I reached a point where I stopped playing and demanded perfection of myself. If it wasn’t going to be my best piece of work ever I wouldn’t even start. It took me a LONG dry spell to get back to creating. I reevaluated, made playing the priority, and redirected my perfectionism to have zero expectations. I did fun, small projects that were just for me. I came slowly back into the joy of it. I spent time around other creative types. I went to therapy, meditated, & watched videos of people drawing. I read books on how to foster the creative fire. I got on medication for a mood disorder and ADHD. I left notes for myself saying “did you make art today?” and “does it help you make art”? I made small decisions. I evaluated everything that stood in conflict with my intention & removed it. I asked the people close to me to ask about and follow up with me on what I’m creating. To engage with me as an artist if they could and if they wanted to be a great help to me. Some of them did. That helped a LOT. I make art every single day. I am overflowing with inspiration that spins through my mind at varying, jubilant speeds. I dream I’m painting and wake up, walk 5 steps to my studio space, and drop effortlessly into the flow. Get a piece of paper you don’t care about and anything you can make a mark with. Draw the first thing that comes to mind. Let it out. Just doodle. Write a love note. Write a hate note. Tap into your emotions. Lift that feeling into a shape. An experience. A hope. A frustration. No judgement, just flowing You will get it.Thank you for reading
Grateful, a word that I told myself, while driving to Homedale, ID this past weekend. Even though the visit ended with a hurt heart, I still enjoyed almost every single second. I am so grateful for the people that love me & support me getting close to some of their people. I am grateful to those who are there for me, no matter the situation.
If I could take away everyone’s pain & heartache, I would. I want people to be happy. I want kids to be happy. They are our future. After being a true crime lover, I’ve noticed many people that turn into sick individuals, started that way because of trauma or abuse that they went through during childhood. People don’t realize that it can be carried on throughout adulthood. It was something I’ve learned in my college Psychology class & I’ve witnessed it firsthand with a family member. Granted, there is a time where you know right from wrong, but if you don’t know love, all you know is hatred. Trauma also causes damage to the brain that is sometimes permanent.
This is why we need to love the kids harder & be a positive influence in their lives. We only have one childhood, let’s do the best to make the kiddos remember being loved and being happy, so they can continue to make the world a better place. I wish most of us had the honesty young children who haven’t had their filter put in place. Although, sometimes you wish it were! Don’t blow out their light.
The advantage we have as adults, is that we can still speak our mind, but we have the ability to deliver a hard message in a loving way. You can be direct and honest, while still being kind.
This was a tough lesson that I’ve learned, I was proud to speak my mind, but I didn’t notice that people would get hurt by certain things I’ve said. I thought I’m being honest, they should appreciate that I am not being fake. That’s bullshit, if your speaking the truth, but spitting it out with anger, the message is lost. Be someone that someone can talk to and confide in. Listen to your people and keep them on the right track the way that THEY need it, not the way you need it.
We are all different and have different ways of loving and showing love, just the same we all have different ways that we want to be loved. Pay fucking attention, or your going to lose someone that you care about.
On the other hand, if someone is trying to help, even if its not how you would have them do, recognize that they are trying the best they can. Communicate!!! Listen!! Our feelings are valid, whether you understand, or not.
Sometimes even having a neutral party to look on the outside, listen to both sides & provide feedback is helpful. No, its not talking shit about the other, but you can have someone be able to see other things that you may not notice because you’re in the situation, not the outside looking in.
Patience has been incredibly hard for me, I have to constantly remind myself that it will be worth it, I just need to focus on my goals, be patient and have faith that each step I take forward, big or small, is still a fucking step forward.
Today is 11/11, a day to manifest the goals and dreams that you have. Take that first step of being the you that you’re working on. Write that article, record that song, paint your heart, take the picture. Do whatever makes your soul happy today and every day because life is worth it.
I love writing little personal “Thank you” notes when I can. Its something so simple & honestly doesn’t take much time at all to write, but I guarantee the recipient appreciates the the effort, no matter how small. I always say that I would prefer the note that goes with the flowers, than the actual flowers themselves. It lasts longer!
What do you do that may seem old school? Write letters & send snail mail? Send flowers on a birthday? Maybe you are a gentleman that opens doors for ladies still. Maybe your a woman that always runs things by your husband, regardless of what it is. None of it is bad, do you, I’m just interested.
I’m excited for the hoodies that are coming out! If I think about a year ago, I was in such a dark place, I didn’t want to be here, I was self destructive, just hoping something would happen to me by “accident.” In reality, I just wasn’t making the best decisions for myself & my daughter. A year ago, I wanted to disappear. Then 5 months ago, I wanted to be alive, but I was genuinely scared that the POS psycho ex would do something to hurt me, or people I care about.
Now, I’m doing productive, positive things to fill my time. Don’t get me wrong, I still get in my funks, but I have friends I can reach out to. I always have, but now I’m actually reaching out, before I bury myself in my cave. I was not cleaning, not paying bills, just moving through the necessary steps of work & attempting to be a good mom still, even when all winter, I just want to hibernate & hide.
I have been trying to be more active, shut my brain off more, focus on my blog success & my professional success, not keeping things or people around that make the mental situation worse for me.
Being alone for me sometimes is a necessity, but sometimes the mindspace gets so destructive, I need to have someone there to pull me off the ledge, or even just sit with me, while I pull myself out. I’m not used to needing people, most of my life I’ve only been able to depend on myself. I realize that, even though I’ve pulled myself out of many of dark, negative mindsets, it doesn’t have to be all on me.
I do have help and I try to help others, if I know they’re going through something. Even jumping to visit people that were sad, even if they wouldn’t do the same. Its not about that. Most people don’t get that sometimes just BEING THERE is huge for someone with anxiety, depression, PTSD, or any mental illness. It’s ok. We have nothing to be ashamed about, this is because of chemicals in our brain, or events that traumatized us.
We don’t always have to be in control & we don’t have to be the strong one all of the time. We do need to let the people that love us & are willing, bear the weight, for just a little bit. We do have to open up before we feel like the world would be a better place without us. It’s not.
Even if we don’t want to confide in our people, there are resources, therapy, hotlines to call, & we can always start with our PCP & see what they suggest. Its not fun, but it is a necessary step for our own mental well being.
My blog & my Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/BeautifulDisasterLit/ are safe places, please reach out. I cannot provide professional help, but I can listen & be a friend. Don’t ever forget that you have people that care, just by you reading this, I care!
Do not let someone get away with being abusive, even if they “make up for it.” Someone who loves you won’t throw what they do for you in your face. They’ll do things because they love you and if they do it to use against you when they’re mad at you, its not love. They’re fucking pricks and you need to get rid of them, yesterday.
Yesterday was such a good, positive day for me. I was productive & a bad ass. I hung out with HS & her twins & she had made me some BOMB food. Who am I kidding, most anything her or MSSS make is yummy as fuck. I came home & smoked, almost assed out and my brain yells…
“Hello…. I’m here!!! Let’s think about what you need to do at work, think about your goals and how you’re going to reach them, think about the crush that you DON’T want to think about, think about everything in life you’ve done wrong!”
Til 2:40 in the FUCKING MORNING! Even after multiple sleep meds spaced out.
So naturally, today I was off. The funk just kept snowballing until I finally came home to sit down. This was after I was almost too stoned to get grocery pickup again, but wasn’t. I put all of the groceries away, but it took longer because my fingers ordering didn’t realize how little of freezer room that I have. I played frozen food tetris & I lost. A few times.
My anxiety is like a goddamn pinball machine in my fucking brain.
I fucking hate it. I hate that I can’t have a good week, or month because my brain wants to make up scenarios that won’t happen, or that happened and I’m probably the only one thinking this much about it. I hate that I forget things, or can’t think in the moment, but when I want to sleep, I have all the right things to say and do.
I hate that I can’t act like a normal goddamn person, people think I’m a bitch just because I am trying not to talk too much. I need to step away on my own when it comes to big gatherings. I hate that when I feel the need to talk and I talk too much when I’m feeling awkward or need to fill the deafening silence.
You know what though?
I love the people that I can comfortably be near and not feel the need to constantly make conversation. I can space out, I can think my shit through, but when I need or want to talk, they’re there.
I love that I am one of the most loyal people, even if I have to focus on myself.
I love that I am focusing on being happy, instead of focusing on my depression in the dark.
I love that I am trying to use a sometimes debilitating mental illness and trying to use the platform I’ve always loved, writing, to help people.
I love that when I know my shit. Well, when I can get my brain to focus, I know my shit.
I love that I am mentally strong. Always have been, always will be.
I am always pleasantly surprised when someone tells me they admire me. My surprise means I am still staying humble.
I am proud of the fact that I am always trying to grow and hold myself accountable.
I love that I really do have a good heart and soul, even if I try to pretend I don’t give a fuck.
I love that I work hard and I’m passionate with what I care about.
I appreciate the fact that I was not made to be aa person addicted to something for very long & its usually pretty easy for me to quit something I am not interested in anymore. God knows that I would never have been able to handle or even stay alive, if I was an addict. He also makes those people with addictive behaviors extra strong, so that they can survive it when they want it enough. I just cannot imagine detoxing off something so powerful.
God makes addicts stronger than the thing they’re addicted to, so that they will survive.
I love that I kick depressions ass every fucking day, because I am still alive.
I love that I always try to understand both sides to most situations.
I love that I take care of people & try to pay attention to how I can make them happy.
I love that I’m one hell of a mom, who has raised & is still raising one hell of a female on my own.
I love that I’ve unexpectedly had people tell me that I calm them, or that they feel they can tell me anything.
I love who I am, frustrations and all and it took me 33 fucking years to start loving myself.
Start loving yourself today and keep loving yourself every day. You’re amazing and have so much to offer the world.
Doing a Boudoir photoshoot with the right photographer, even if it is just for yourself, is a huge self love move. At least, it was for me.
I’ve been an anxiety filled nervous wreck (even more so) lately because of this photo shoot, but I know the photographer in BDL Professional world & we’d have many conversations where she was just constantly assuring me it will be fine, I’ll have fun, & helping me be more at ease. She was absolutely right. My stomach was in knots though, I was physically ill, even though I have been unable to eat much of anything anyway, & nothing could calm the anxiety for very long.
Especially, since I am never high at my actual job, so the shoot was a lot of what I thought about, but it made it easy because the week before the shoot was busy work wise & kept me distracted, in a good way. I am not one of those people who can do my particular job & be stoned, while still functioning & do an efficient job. I fricken love what I do professionally, but I hated the drama that can come with the high stress environment at times.
I do not feel that (yet) at this job. I may feel overwhelmed at times, but only because I’m trying to prove that I deserve the job, even if I bombed the interview, so bad, it was the worst interview I’ve ever had in my life! I told them, I am glad you saw my work because I would have not got the job based on that interview.
Back to the photoshoot, Jessie has one of the kindest hearts, but knows when to spot a bullshitter. I absolutely love that about her & it made me trust her to show her my vulnerable side & take my pictures. She was one of my first friends at my current (and hopefully long term) job & has accepted me without judgment, which has been hard for me to find lately. I really enjoy getting to know her as a person professionally & as a friend.
Yet, I wonder, why the hell did & do I give a fuck what people think? It sure as hell doesn’t make me happy, doesn’t keep me at peace, & doesn’t bring up my confidence.
I knew that if I didn’t have somebody to go with me, my anxiety would overwhelm & debilitate. I would have chickened the fuck out, plus I needed a driver because I was definitely guna get a little (Lotta) lit for the photoshoot, but not enough that I couldn’t focus. I asked the one person who has been in most stages in my life… ND has seen my body in most stages of my life & she loves me. She’s seen the cuts, the stretchmarks, & what I used to think were flaws, inside and out. Shes seen it all & still keeps me around.
I don’t think they’re flaws anymore, we are all beautiful in our own unique way, they’re are Armour dents, cuz what caused them may have been a little set back, but not the end of the fucking world. The hard things that life gives us, help us grow IF we take the right path, make the right decisions.
I didn’t know how fucking proud of me ND was, until today. ND who holds a lot in, so its hard to tell what she is thinking a lot, she showed pride over MY accomplishments in her eyes. MINE. I’m a Beautiful Disaster, but I fucking have so many people proud of the Beautiful Disaster that is ME.People who have seen me at my worst & people who barely know me are proud of me and I am just so grateful for the faith people have in me & will strive to be worthy of it always.
Take faith in yourself & the people that love you.
I kept looking back at my shorty niece, who was smiling with pride, as well…. I had no idea this little Firecracker loved & looked up to me, this much, but this beautiful, courageous, & blunt young woman had it showing in her pretty blue eyes too. I’ve known her since she was just the same Firecracker, but a little girl. When I went to visit ND & met Hubby & his kids for the first time. Little did I know, how much they’d become family.
Knowing that my niece LXI kicks ass at whatever she does, and she really likes to do makeup, I asked her to do mine for the photoshoot. I was going to do my own, & kinda wanted it professionally done. I’m glad I didn’t! I had so much fun throwing ideas back and forth with each other for a couple of weeks & having her help me the get ready the day of the shoot.
I put in as much work as I was willing for the photoshoot, but after consulting with my doctor, he was nodding his head, smiling behind the mask, giving me suggestions, that I’m already doing & have in my plan. He was happy to hear I’ve already been working on his suggestions, & likes my plan. I like my plan. I absolutely love my curves, but I want to be more toned & healthy. Even though, I’m a fairly healthy person, I want to be able to hike Badger & still breathe the whole time. Not send warning texts that I’m guna die every time I visit that hell.
After finding out that I’ve lost 20 lbs after just 3 weeks of Diet Psycho, being too nervous to eat or be healthy, I wanted to keep it off! I also wanted to get closer to my goal weight & body type that I envision for myself.
I started by once a week doing some sort of physical activity 45 min, or more with VOR. I added 30 second planks five times a week. Eventually, adding on jumping jacks, squats, weights, & crunches. Adding a little more to one thing each week, but also not being hard on myself if I skipped a day, but trying to make myself make it up. I held myself accountable by texting friends what I did, AFTER I did it. Not to brag, but to keep myself on track for my goals.
Some people go hard core all of the time & it works for them, not me! Slow & steady wins the race.
I am happy where I am at, I still have more work to get to my goals. Yet, I was able to look at the sneak peek pictures & be happy with my body, even though I was shaking like a leaf in a windstorm the whole time the camera was on me & I was surprised we didn’t end up seeing my black heart on the floor, it was pounding with nervousness, so much. I have more work to do, but since I’ve been sick & have had back pain, I’ve been taking it easy on myself.
You know what? I don’t feel guilty. I still feel like I had a positive, fun, & productive day. Even if I spent a little more money than I expected at the mall. (Guys, I found a Fuck wallet, I HAD to get it.) Even though we ran late for the photoshoot, I inhaled my lunch because I made myself sick texting while ND was driving, & my nieces mini shoot was too damn cold, snot running down my nose, flying into the wind like the Beautiful awkward goddess I am. It was a damn good day.
Wear those fucking heels, the red lipstick, or the hoops. Don’t wear pants at night. Whatever makes YOU feel sexy, they don’t have to be what makes others feel sexy, just fucking make it a priority. For yourself.
9 times out of 10, if a man has filters on his pictures & messages me, I ignore him….or I swipe the way that means NO! Whichever way that is. I’m now done with online dating, its clearly NOT working for me.
I never realized how much I needed to feel safe with a guy that I’m into, until recently. I am and always will be attracted to men taller than I am & has a little meat on those bones because I felt safe. With the last, tumultuous joke of a “relationship,” I’ve got to feel safe next to you. Only one new person has made me feel fully safe, since the psycho. It was unexpected & knocked me off kilter.
I feel ND smiling cuz she knows who it is & knows I’ll probably never talk to that person again. Shh Besterestest. Even if I never see them again, I am grateful for the interaction, as my perspective in men has changed & my standards went back to where they should have been from the beginning.
Talk about high school crush! I’m 1000% NOT going to get into that….ever, except to ND, at least in as depth as I have.
I cannot say how much I appreciate ND, shes stuck by me since we were 5, even though I’m a big shithead. Even though, she can be a little shithead. We were at one another’s first high school heartbreak, eating a plate full of cookies, drinking ice-cold glass of milk. We both had fucktards & then kids with fucktards that didn’t deserve us.
I should have dropped my first serious fucktard the day I lost my virginity, him being my boyfriend knew it. My cat swatted his balls during, that was a sign. A few months later he told me “You told me to go easy and I went as hard as I could.”
I got even with him, cheating on him the night before our 2 year “anniversary.” I fucking hate saying that word in a dating sense, but I haven’t found another word to use in its place. Unfortunately, cheating was with the wrong person, that’s why I’ve never done it since & refuse to knowingly do anything, let alone be attracted to a taken man.
Some are attractive, yes, but I’d never do anything willingly to hurt someone like that again. Once was enough. Not that I gave a shit that he was hurt. It was the other person that I hurt. There’s already enough pain and suffering in life, I don’t want to be the cause of that for anyone. Besides, cheating, or sleeping with a taken man, if his partner doesn’t know, is selfish. If they’re in an open relationship, then do your thing! More power to ya.
2020 has definitely been a weird year, but all I hear is how horrible it’s been for everyone. Yes, I have definitely had my share of negatives this year, but I cannot ignore the fact that I started this blog & I’m running with it. I have some big (to me, at least) surprises planned for the rest of 2020. All I can say, is I am grateful that I had the time to focus on whats currently my dream. Writing has always been my dream.
So, give it to me, tell me something POSITIVE or GOOD that has happened to you this year.
There’s Something Incredibly Sexy About A Man Who Rolls A Blunt For You Or Packs A Bowl & Gives You The First Hit. You can be a stoner and a gentleman, its a thing. Dating is so much more fun without expectations, just enjoying the moment.
Unfortunately, my anxiety ridden brain struggles to live in the moment, on a regular basis. I make up scenarios in my head that probably will never happen, or I think the worst of the worst, which is frustrating. I need a switch to turn my brain off, but I would forget to turn it on.
Weed & sleep meds help most times, but when they don’t, it’s a fun night spending time with my insomniac gremlin. I am trying to be detached with situations and people, but it gets hella lonely. I am definitely not ready to jump into the dating scene, or relationship. I’ve changed and I’m trying to make it for the better.
Most guys freak me the fuck out anyway, lately. Those who don’t are unavailable either emotionally or in their own relationship. Which is off limits for me. Even if they don’t do anything to make me uncomfortable, just them being in my space for longer than I’d like, I get anxious.
I’m trying to find ways to keep me distracted, doing a mini workout at home, forcing myself to write, when I feel like I have a block, forcing myself to think and speak positively. At times, it works, but then there’s that looming sense of loneliness some days, that I can’t seem to brush off.
What are some distractions you do to keep yourself from getting down?
I try to be constantly busy, but I wear myself out. My body yells at me that I need to unwind and decompress. Even though I love my alone time, sometimes it’s just nice to have someone sit & do nothing with you, except have good conversations & mellow Vibes.
Lack of expectations sometimes just makes me happier. However, that doesn’t mean the same as lack of goals, I always have at least 5 I am working on, even if it doesn’t appear so on the outside. Even if I end up not finishing & making a new path of mine. What are your current goals? What do you wish there were lack of or more expectations on?
Music Vibes: Down for the Ride -Slaves feat. Jessie Abbey
I deleted the online dating site because nobody really takes it seriously, myself included, but I need to put my focus on better things. Especially my blog. Additionally, new guys freak me the fuck out still, so I’ll just hang with my guys that I already know & don’t turn into an anxious mess around.
Do not ever underestimate being at peace, there may be someone some day that wants to take it away. Fucking fight for it with everything you have, don’t ever let anyone make you feel down on yourself. If they use things you tell them in confidence against you, if they put you down during a fight, if you can’t look at your phone without them going crazy, or if they scream in your face, only to call you the abuser when you push them away, then they need to fucking go!!! Stop giving multiple chances, yes I am talking to myself just as much as everyone else who needs it.
I had a friend tell me that they dip out on the 3rd red flag, which is good advice, but after you’ve had so many, two is too many. If I feel a vibe is off, Bye Boy. I have met only one man after the ex BS, that I could sit next to and not have to smoke my overpowing anxiety away and just want to run far away. Oh, I smoked alright, to enjoy the night, & he’s the only guy recently that made me feel like I was back in highschool. I’m usually cool, calm, & collected with guys.
I’m growing, I’m doing what I need to to avoid going into a dark & self destructive place. I try to keep myself busy with positive things, well minus my true crime shit. I’m not going to lie, it’s fucking hard. Its hard to not have negative thoughts and its hard not to talk or think badly about myself, but its fucking worth it. You deserve to be loved just as much as others love you.
You deserve to be heard when something has upset you. You deserve the respect of someone that cares for you to apologize & try to fix it. You deserve someone who makes you feel safe. I’ve been all talk and no action, I always say Never Settle, but that’s all I have been doing. Settling for guys that don’t deserve me, or guys that I’m just not meant to be with.
There may be a plan for me and I’m trying hard to slow down and be patient, even though every thing in life is telling me to do so. I cannot stress enough, that we need to protect ourselves, even if it means losing people we care about. If we aren’t safe with them, then they don’t deserve our love.
My challenge to you is to step up for yourself when you normally don’t, train your mind to stop thinking negatively, especially when its regarding YOU! It’s possible, start with one thought changed, until pretty soon, you automatically think positivity.
Let me know how you handle the challenge, if you do. What was the outcome?
Music Vibes: Tired Heart – Bmike feat. Nyx while smoking Wild Center Kush pre roll by Native Herb Co. “All Flower No Nonsense”…..what I want my next relationship to be like.
WARNING: DAD, MOM, & DAUGHTER YOU MAY NOT WANT TO READ THIS
Now back to the title of this article. Ladies, you know what I mean, when you’re enjoying a little solo pleasure & your toy is battery operated & the battery dies with the worst possible timing. Its like the smoke alarm that tells you to change the battery with loud ass beeps that wake the whole household up at 3 am. Those things teach you to have backups at all times, with the rudest sort of warning if you don’t.
There’s not much worse than being mid O and the battery dying. Let’s refer back to Guidos pit stop from the movie Cars (YouTube it if you don’t know what I’m talking about) because that’s such an accurate representation of me during that moment of desperation.
Yes, I know I can fucking get non battery operated toys, Karenand I have been gifted some, but my Rabbit works the best!
I want to hear all of your funny or embarrassing sex stories! Send em in.
I know I am open about my sex life, or lack of nowadays, but that doesn’t give anyone the right to pry and if your first question is “Did you sleep with him?” My response will be, “Did you fuck your husband last night?” Seriously, do not ask me shit, you wouldn’t be comfortable talking about.
I give people the details when I want and how I want. Respect that & I will respect you.
How has everyone’s week gone? Mine is great, busy with being BDL Professional and dealing with migraines that won’t go away. I have a few new blog things planned for October and November, keep an eye out! I am excited to be wearing the long sleeved shirt on a regular basis, so comfy! Again, thanks to those who have bought. If there’s interest in a couple weeks, we might do another round.
Just know, I don’t want to be in your life, if I make you cry sad-mad tears. I love seeing you happy and I hate that you’re not happy spending time with me, but if I have to back away, so you can be happy, I’ll do it in a heartbeat.
I’ve been pissed at myself that I’m trying to be geniunely happy with everyone I interact with and make them happy, but I hurt you.
Please know, even if we don’t talk, I’ll still be loving you from afar, celebrating yours & the kids successes, loving you & your family, you with your family, and your happiness being with them. I will always love seeing you at your safe places. Do not ever stop smiling or rocking the amazing person you are.
Do not ever let anyone, especially me, make you feel bad about yourself because you’re one kick ass woman.
Please also know that I have put you as a priority over myself for too long and I loved every minute of it because I love you and want to make your life easier any way I can. I love and adore those kids and would do anything for them, just as you do Daughter & me, but we both know we need to put ourselves and our family first for a while & it’s okay.
I still Love You In Case I Die… & ALWAYS WILL
I am always here if you need me, no matter the time of day or night, please never forget that. I admire you!
You’re one of the best moms I know and you’re doing it with three kids! I feel like I am fucking it up on a daily with one. You work full time, manage school, sports, work, life, family, social schedules of 5 people and being phenomenal at your job, growing and traveling. I make excuses on why I can’t do that with 2 people. You have such a drive & loyalty that anybody would lucky to be in your very selective group of people.
You’re an amazing wife of almost 15 years and I have never had a relationship longer than 4 years. You take care of him and his needs, just like he does you. You’re a better team than you think! And it’s fucking amazing. Do not ever feel bad about that.
You’ve been at a job for eternity, moving yourself up the hard way, hard work, determination and making it to a position that works around your schedule, not the other way around. Its so nice seeing the roles flip for you because you earned it! Don’t ever feel ashamed for that, as long as you’re happy, I’m happy.
Anybody you call friend should be lucky and honored to be one because you put your heart and soul into everyone you love, which is a damn good reason to be selective, I think. I see that it is exhausting for you, but you’re fuckin’ killing it.
And I know you don’t like curse words, but I want you to know I’m being real right here…on my blog, my legacy, so I gotta put them in because we both know I curse like a sailor. Just to prove to you that this has no filter, like I should have always been with you.
I’m sorry that I let my fear of losing our bond and my bond with your kids censor me. I put a fake mask on my face, even though I get pissed when someone isn’t real. I never wanted you guys to see me sad or unhappy. I’ve lost so many people I care about, one way or another that sometimes its just easier to put a fake face on, just so that you can be around people & not alone.
But this article isn’t about me, its about you. I feel like you can relate and I will celebrate the day that you feel like you can be 100% your self 100% of the time.
I am not about negative self talk lately & I haven’t been talking bad about others, I am not comparing any longer, but you needed to hear this the other day, during a conversation that we should have waited until we both had time to fully hear one another out. I tore you a new one after I listened for a little bit and I should have just listened til the end, then talked, just like I’ve wanted you to do for me for so long.
Please don’t hate me for making this public, if you want it down, say the word & its gone. The thing you saw that started this whole thing was public by mistake and I know you took it in a way I didn’t intend because I wanted it to be something that made you feel good. Feelings that I have suppressed for a while, just boiled over and I’m sorry.
LUCKY D FOREVER
HAPPY FUCKIN’ BIRTHDAY!!!!!
PS- We still have to get a tattoo together with VOR.
While I’ve been thinking, I really have been trying harder to focus on myself, I realized that I once thought, you don’t always have to love yourself to be loved. Although, I do think that the right person can unbreak you and help you grow & love yourself, maybe thats not true for me.
Maybe, I’ve been focusing on others happiness for so long that its time I focus on my own happiness for a while, before I search for being happy with someone else. I am definitely capable of being happy alone, but I’m not to the point I’m fully happy with myself and I want to be.
We all deserve to be absolutely happy and content without someone trying to take away from that.
I’ve been two different people for so long, it’s exhausting and makes my anxiety fueled brain go on overdrive like a pinball machine. I am focusing on ME now. (Picture Elle Woods in Legally Blonde when she wins the LSTATS or whatever the fuck that crazy test was to get her into Harvard. Talk about women empowerment. Thank you Reese Witherspoon!!!
I’ve got my momentum going and I need to keep my focus. Putting others first (besides Daughter of course) is not going to be a priority to me, like it has been in the past. I’m not going to bite my tongue and not everybody is going to like it. That’s ok, I need to be able to handle rejection gracefully, personally & professionally, especially writing the way I do.
Don’t get me wrong, my hard ass is going to miss some people. Yes, the rare tear will fall because I’ve lost some good people, but if they’re not my people while I finally make myself a priority, then clearly they never were.
If they get butthurt because you are finally treating them the same way you’ve been treated for so long and instead of just listening, they cut you off to make numerous excuses, or try to convince you that your feelings are invalid, its a good time to distance yourself.
People are going to hate when you are no longer underneath them on your priority list and thats ok. It doesn’t mean they’re bad or good people, it just means that maybe you need to limit their involvement in your life. Putting yourself first is difficult on many levels, when you’re not used to it, but it’s not impossible.
If they’re going to make you live your life without them, you might as well put yourself before them.
So fucking enjoy those Sunday mornings waking and baking, its nobody’s business, but your own. Enjoy getting a pedicure, even if you’re almost out of gas. Do the thing that makes you calm the mind, or sooth the soul. Rock out to some new tunes.. Ignore the judgy ass people who don’t know your life or your mind. You never know when your story will end, so live every moment that you can being happy.
Love people like you wish to be loved, but love yourself the same way.
I cannot help but to throw out a huge shoutout to Demi Lovato, I went from hating her music to having many of her powerful ballads hit me to the core, especially since her addiction/relapse. I admire the fact that she’s human and she fucking shows it, but after she falls, she rises up like a Phoenix, stronger and more powerful than ever. If you haven’t yet, please check out her new song, “Still Have Me.”
Do not feel ashamed for putting yourself or your family first! You fucking deserve it! What do you do to make yourself a priority? How often do you do it?
Let me know your thoughts, like and subscribe!
Before I go, huge shout out to those who bought my first round of merch! There’s a list of ideas in the books! Keep your eye out! Please, send me your ideas too, I want to know what interests my readers, I know there’s some that I haven’t even thought of!